new video

this is for "heavy" off of my brand new ep "progress progress progress." please watch the video and pick up the ep to support me if you don't mind.

perpetual busyness

so just as i finished that last quarter of school, ive begun more classes and find myself busy. not on that level but still too busy.
im in 3 different classes right now. its a somewhat intense load. im halfway through one of hte classes though, so i guess that's good.
on the plus side, ive written a new song (finally!) and will be making 2 music videos as part of an independent study im doing this summer. so stay tuned :-)

DONE

DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!

freaking DONE.

now i can start my next classes.
and recording.
and filmmaking.

good good good.

1

1 paper remaining. 4 page paper for world religion art and symbol.

let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.
let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.
let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.
let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.

1 more freaking paper.

break from a paper

two more papers left. im about a third done with the 10 pager. yuck.

so im going to procrastinate a little and blog.

i was on fbook today and looking at people from my past. people from high school, people from past churches, jobs, etc... i really don't hold any hard feelings towards just about anyone from my past. thats a cool realization to come to. there is peace with my past, not that there was ever a ton of disarray or problem with past people.

but i came to another realization: i don't regret my decisions to take a chance on faith and jump into different worlds that may have not made sense. for instance, i chose to leave a strong academic school to go to an easier one in order to pursue more religious and faith-based learning. that was a great growing experience for me personally and even though i may be smarter otherwise, i am a better person for it. and then i looked at my decision to leave my cust. service job and to move out to california and attend seminary/grad school. i have fought with this regret since i left, honestly. i left my friends and a high paying job and security to... move to a bankrupt state, spend tons of money on tuition and rent, and eventually make less than i did in the first place. hardly a lateral move.

at the same time, i am a million times the person for it. i am happier. so much happier. i am stronger. im exactly where i want to be. i work a job that pays under 11 bucks an hour and its the best job i've ever had. i absolutely love working at REI. my research and learning at fuller have been incredible and i've learned so much about the world and gained even more questions in the process. i've met some cool friends, but have secured more permanent friendships. and im prepared better for my future.

i am content. i have no clue what tomorrow holds. maybe i'll work my 10+ dollar an hour job fulltime after graduating...and be happy. whatever happens, i hope i can help people and be content. it looks like that is shaping up to happen.

rock n roll

world art and symbol class: 1 4 pager, 1 10 pager

so close!

world art and symbol class: 1 4 pager, 1 10 pager
film class: 2 1 pagers

1 class down!

world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 2 1 pagers

and smaller

spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 4 1 pagers

the list gets smaller

spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 6 1 pagers

they call me paper slayer

what's left:
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 6 1 pagers, 1 3 pager

gradual progress (thesis totally finished!)

what's left:
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 6 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

thesis? check.

thesis done!

what's left:
thesis paper 20-25 pages (you are next, thesis paper!)
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

boom goes the dynamite

update.
thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

hwork update

here we go!

thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager, 1 10 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

and here's a little music to celebrate!

i've decided

to use my blog as a progress report for finishing this darn papers. so many. so here's where we're at as of today:

thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager, 1 5-10 pager, and 1 10 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

i wasnt kidding.

i really have a buttload of papers and projects to do. here's the list to prove it.
thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 2 2 pagers, 1 5-10 pager, and 1 10 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 10 1 pagers, 2 2-3 pagers, 1 10 pager

all due by june. so if i sound crabby or stressed, well... i prob am :-)

oh yeah, ps...thats in addition to putting out this album, workin on a film, and working 15-20 hours a week at my job. awesssssome!

stresssssss

i am not one to be stressed out. ever. it just isn't part of what i let myself be.

however, i just did the math for the rest of the quarter in my grad school. 25 papers, 104+ pages have to be written by June 11th. Actually a few more papers can be added there too. That's ridiculous.

Music may take a temporary back seat.

music update

i feel like ive been working so hard on everything lately. school, work, thesis, music, social stuff. its good stuff. really. nothing bad at all. but music has taken a bit more of a backseat. anywho, here's the updated demo list that i'm working with, if you're still paying attention. eta is still early to mid summer hopefully.

you will glow again!
no more tears
hey chicago!
blue and green
my new life
you truly are beautiful
brightness
you sound a lot like summer
heavy
candy hearts
life in color
sarah walker
after the fire

i have a couple more in the hopper and then can start truncating :-) ttyl.

paper on sundance movies and healing

so i took a class built around the sundance film festival and had to write a final paper, demonstrating the interrelationships between a biblical concept and 3 of the movies i saw. below is that paper, connecting healing and compassion with happythankyoumoreplease, hesher, and the dry land.

***BEWARE OF SPOILERS***

Matt Cavanaugh
Engaging Independent Films Class Final


Healing, As Demonstrated by Independent Cinema and The Book “Compassion”

The healing process is a universal phenomenon that every human being will have to go through at different points in their life. It frustrates, confuses, hurts, surprises, stretches, and, in many cases, strengthens a person to a new level of character. Healing through a grief-stricken time is a common theme in scripture, as evidenced through multiple verses and passages:

LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
– Psalm 30:2 (TNIV)

I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.
– Jeremiah 33:6-7 (TNIV)

Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make them well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
– James 5:14-16 (TNIV)

Likewise, contemporary culture is littered with examples of products and services promising healing, betterment, and improved life. Grief is very often viewed, not as a natural part of growth, but as a state of being that every person must avoid or dash through as quickly as possible. Countless companies advertise their “get better quickly” services in television ads, such as those that promise to deliver retribution and financial success for those who have lost loved ones in job-related accidents (as long as the viewer calls their phone number as soon as possible!). Cinema has jumped onto this bandwagon, as well, as evidenced in countless movies that depict characters going from heartbreak to healed within a very short duration. One example of that can be seen in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where a guy’s fiancée dumps him, but he is out with another girl within a couple weeks.
However, there are also many examples in cinema that depict grief and healing as a natural, vital process in recovery and sanctification, where grieving is difficult, but beneficial. Three movies from this year’s Sundance Film Festival do an excellent job depicting grief and healing: Hesher, happythankyoumoreplease, and the Dry Land. They demonstrate the different factors of the healing process; factors of assistance, impairment, distraction, etc…
The healing process can be a nebulous and confusing entity. The book Compassion by Donald P. McNeill, Douglas A. Morrison, and Henri Nouwen adds a lot of structure and understanding to such a complicated issue, and helps to clearly relate a biblical version of compassion and healing to the modern world, including cinema.


Compassion
McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen spend much of their time in Compassion focusing on how much God values each and every human being. On page 15, they write, “God wants to know our condition fully and does not want to take away any pain which he himself has not fully tasted. His compassion is anchored in the most intimate solidarity, a solidarity that allows us to say with the psalmist, ‘This is our God, and we are the people he pastures, the flock that he guides.’” Every single person is a valued, treasured child of the God that created the Heavens and the Earth. Therefore, every person ought to be treated as such by every person they encounter. This includes the hurting, the difficult to be around, the handicapped, the diseased, the poor, and the undesirable. Everyone is desirable in God’s eyes and it is imperative that everyone is constantly reminded of that remarkably high sense of worth. The most obvious example of God’s compassion for humankind can be seen in how He came down to Earth and endured immense suffering (17).
At the same time, it must be stated that God does not necessarily desire to cure everyone of everything, but to partake in our sufferings with us so that we can learn and grow from that pain before we fully complete that journey of suffering. Through this process and through witnessing God’s compassion first-hand, we are able to become fuller, stronger people (18). God’s compassion is the motivational impetus for progress and growth. God’s compassion makes it possible to, not only get through a struggle, but to actually benefit from that challenging, painful process.
Compassion was demonstrated through Jesus, on one front, through His willing community and servanthood with the hurting. It is almost entirely necessary for people who are suffering to have someone around them, in order to feel understood and cared for. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen state:
Jesus’ whole life and mission involve accepting powerlessness and revealing in this powerlessness the limitlessness of God’s love. Here we see what compassion means. It is not a bending toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not a reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull. On the contrary, compassion means going directly to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. (27)

During the grieving and hurting processes, people want to know that they are not alone. They need to feel understood on some level, but, much more importantly, they need to feel accompanied by someone who cares. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen call this way of servanthood “Our Second Nature” and they believe that all of humankind should set out to make this a natural way of life (30).
Simultaneously, it is necessary for a hurting person to, not just feel not alone, but to feel that they belong somewhere. This can refer to a place or an activity but always must include a community of people, who patiently and compassionately receive each other, and who share commonness. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen state:
Many very generous Christians find themselves increasingly tired and dispirited not so much because the work is hard or the success slight, bu because they feel isolated, unsupported, and left alone. People who say, ‘I wonder if anyone cares what I am doing. I wonder if my superior, my friends at home, or the people who sent me ever think about me, ever pray for me, ever consider me part of their lives,’ are in real spiritual danger. We are able to do so many hard things, tolerate many conflicts, overcome many obstacles, and persevere under many pressures, but when we no longer experience ourselves as part of a caring, supporting, praying community, we quickly lose faith… Without a sense of being sent by a caring community, a compassionate life cannot last long and quickly degenerates into a life marked by numbness and anger (61).

No matter how strong the person may be or how resilient one may be, belonging will always be something required for a healthy process of growth and recovery.
Affirmation is yet another supportive construct in a paradigm of healing. As previously mentioned, every human is valuable in the eyes of God. However, that can be convoluted for a variety a reasons, and that person can forget that. It is incredibly healthy and helpful to have a person interrupt that forgetful time through affirming the hurting and grieving, and, in fact, everyone needs to be reminded of their value regularly. Without affirmation, it is easy for someone going through the healing process to feel burdensome, when, in reality, they are not only valued, but probably edifying people in countless ways. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen also suggest that, when a person is in a low, dark place and they realize they still have the capability of blessing others with their gifts in that time, a shift takes place, whereby they realize their value is not contingent upon confidence or circumstances, but, instead, by a deep, authentic, inherent identity and giftedness (79). In other terms, when a person realizes that they can give back to people, it enhances their sense of belonging and renews a sense of purpose and value.
The third and final part of Compassion focuses on patience as being a core component of healing. This concept applies to everyone, but actually is discussed in this book more in terms of the patience of communities surrounding the grieving and hurting. Grief is ugly and painful. To receive people in distress, it requires patience much of the time. No matter how understanding a person may be, they will always be tested in the discipline of patience to some extent (91). Furthermore, patience is required by the suffering person, as McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen proclaim:
Patience requires us to go beyond the choice between fleeing or fighting. It is the third and most difficult way. It calls for discipline because it goes against the grain of our impulses. Patience involves staying with it, living it through, listening carefully to what presents itself to us here and now. Patience means stopping on the road when someone in pain needs imemediate attention. Patience means overcoming the fear of a controversial subject. It means paying attention to shameful memories and searching for forgiveness without having to forget. It means welcoming sincere criticism and evaluating changing conditions. In short, patience is a willingness to be influenced even when this requires giving up control and entering into unknown territory (93).

Patience is required in order to have the bravery and strength to go into that dark place of suffering and not turn around and run away, as many people may be naturally tempted to do. In order to thoroughly and completely get through pain, people need to find that place, sit in it, familiarize themselves with it, understand it, and get through it versus around it.
Finally, it is necessary for people to celebrate. This is one of the last phases of grieving, but is important. People need to celebrate their journey through difficult circumstances. Celebration differs from affirmation in that it, not only affirms who the person is, but also calls attention to their journey through an uphill battle. It says, “Things are getting better!” and “Look at how far you have come!” It calls attention to the fact that the worst seems to be over (100). It allows for a suffering person to allow himself or herself permission to finally breathe. And it allows for closure to begin taking effect. Closure is vital throughout a period of suffering.


Hesher
Hesher is a sometimes funny, sometimes intensely dramatic, and always crass movie about a father, Paul Forney, and his son, TJ, who are grieving the death of their wife/mom. TJ is a young kid, who is constantly picked on at his school. He receives little support at home from his father, who is traumatized and emotionally paralyzed. However, things change when Hesher, a ne’er-do-well who smokes pot and lives in a van, decides to move into their house uninvited. Hesher’s character is incredibly crass and confusing. Sometimes he sticks up for TJ; other times Hesher is a bane to TJ. Nonetheless, Hesher’s presence in the life of TJ and Paul interrupts the paralysis that has gripped their family for two months, and his presence ends up providing the catalyst for their recovery and healing.
Many of the principles suggested in Compassion are evident in Hesher. TJ feels devalued and alone throughout much of Hesher. No one ever stands up for him or makes him feel a sense of belonging or even value. However, there is a scene where he first meets Natalie Portman’s character, Nicole, where Nicole stands up for TJ against a bully. This is a vast contrast to what TJ is used to and affects him on many levels. He becomes attached to Nicole and acts much more comfortable around her as the movie unfolds; TJ feels understood and safe with Nicole.
Hesher’s character is a dynamic one. On one hand, he impairs TJ’s course of grieving; he picks on him, calls him names, and gets him in trouble with several people. However, on the other hand, Hesher also stands up for TJ, encourages him to get past what is hurting him, and even offers affirmation towards TJ. There is one part where TJ kicks Hesher, because Hesher got TJ in trouble. Instead of being angry, Hesher affirms TJ’s standing up for himself.
Hesher offers many of the same positive and negative moments to TJ’s dad, Paul. He has countless moments of chastising Paul for sitting on the couch all day long. Towards the end of the movie, Hesher is picking on TJ, and largely in response to Hesher’s criticism towards Paul, Paul stands up for TJ. The movie ends with TJ and Paul celebrating the life of their mother/grandmother through pushing her coffin through the streets (in response to her constant offer to go for a walk with them around the block). The ending is offbeat, undoubtedly, but demonstrates a sense of closure, realization, and celebration, suggesting that Paul and TJ were able to move through the grieving process and, in addition, achieve a much stronger father-son bond through that turmoil.


happythankyoumoreplease
happythankyoumoreplease is one of the rare optimistic films that premiered at Sundance. In the midst of dark films loaded with death, extreme pain, and pessimism, happythankyoumoreplease was a breath of fresh air for an emotionally fatigued Sundance audience. In New York City, three different love stories unfold: one with a struggling editor, Sam, and a waitress, Mississippi; one with a young couple, Charlie and Mary Catherine, who are fearful of commitment; and, finally, one between Annie, a woman who has alopecia and struggles with confidence, and Sam #2, a nerdy office person who loves Annie. This movie is filled with compassion and love. It is very obvious that the characters in it love each other, through their words and the selfless deeds they do for each other. But the easiest part to highlight regarding grief and healing is the story between Sam #2 and Annie.
Annie suffers from alopecia, an autoimmune disease that leaves her incapable of growing hair on her body. She feels alone and ugly, because of this condition, and makes destructive decisions in response to her lack of confidence, including briefly rekindling a hurtful relationship from her past. Sam #2, on the other hand, is a geeky lawyer, who works in the same building as Annie. He loves her and admires her, but she refuses to accept his love for the majority of the movie. In one scene, she is weeping, but, when Sam #2 tries to be compassionate and helpful by asking her what is wrong, she meets this request with animosity and refuses to talk about it. In another scene, Sam #2 is taking pictures around the office and asks her to pose; predictably, she refuses to pose, but he takes these photos anyways. When Annie feels like she is at her breaking point, she arrives at her cubicle to find the pictures Sam #2 took of her, and they are funny and depict her as being incredibly beautiful. Finally, towards the end of the movie, Annie allows Sam #2 to take her out to dinner. At dinner, she mentions how ugly she feels and Sam #2 pours his heart out to her, showering her with praise and affirmation, on a beautiful level that left the majority of the Sundance audience choked up. Not only does Sam #2 want Annie to realize that he loves her – he wants her to love herself and to see herself as beautiful and worthwhile.
Annie’s biggest struggle is with feeling valued. She has some helpful community around her, but there isn’t a strong sense of empathy or even understanding towards what she goes through on a daily basis with her alopecia. Sam #2 offers her the patience that Compassion says is necessary for healing; he gives her time and understanding. He also offers her empathy, through his declaration that he doesn’t fit into normal society either, due to his nerdiness. In return, Annie warms up to him and is eventually able to begin receiving the words that Sam #2 has to offer her. On top of that, Sam #2 celebrates Annie’s beauty and character growth with her through his affirmation of her. Annie realizes that she has met a person that seems to understand a lot of what she is going through and who desires to understand her more – and he will find her beautiful, no matter how she views herself.


The Dry Land
The Dry Land is a movie about an American solider who returns from Iraq to find himself afflicted with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). James is a person who has devoted multiple years of serving his country through the armed services. He is excited to be reunited with his wife, Sarah, his best friend, Michael, and his mother, among many others. However, it doesn’t take long for James to realize something is different about himself and his past life; he feels disconnected and struggles with nightmares, tantrums, and flashbacks. He finds solace in taking a trip with his former squadron friends, who are going through similar struggles. James finds himself best able to connect with those former brothers-in-arms, and has trouble connecting with his family and peers. He seeks help through a few different means, but nothing seems to help. At the climax of the movie, the final scene, James contemplates suicide, but is able to decide against that, based upon receiving a sense of empathy from his dog, as well as his loving and very understanding wife. The Dry Land is a movie that projects a sense of grieving that is hard for its audience to shake, but, at the same time, creates a very realistic empathy for the main character, James.
The most obvious correlations that can be drawn between Compassion and the Dry Land are through James’ community. His friend Michael, his wife Sarah, and his mother love him, in spite of his painful and disruptive psychosis. He physically attacks James and Sarah at different points through the movie, but they still embody understanding and love, even if they are unable to be around him. Furthermore, James’ mother proclaims her love for him, telling him that she will love him, despite what he may have done to other people in the war. She makes it clear that her love for him is not contingent upon his actions or shortcomings, but because of his inherent value to her. His mother doesn’t even understand what James has gone through, but her proclamation of love and patience to him is enough to sustain him in some ways. This is a major point that should not be overlooked or ignored.
James also experiences healing through his interactions with Henry and Ray, two people who served alongside him in Iraq. They, both, are also experiencing similar symptoms of grief and pain. Through their mutual grief, the three vets are able to share the truest form of empathy possible; something that James is not able to receive from his family and friends back in Texas.
The movie ends on a somber but realistic note. James comes to the realization that he is broken and needs a lot of help getting past his trauma from the warm. At the same time, he also learns to accept the support and love people around him were trying to offer all along – the love that, like Annie in happythankyoumoreplease, he had been unable to accept, prior. The Dry Land ends at a point in the middle of James’ grieving process, which leaves the viewer feeling like thing are unresolved on one hand but that there is progress and reason for optimism on the other hand.


Conclusion
These three films are “secular” and not being viewed as “religious” or “Christian.” At the same time, similar to the Detweiler and Crouch books that we have read this quarter, it can be said that these movies do, in fact, have spiritual significance and do convey God’s Will in some ways. Our world is hurting in so many ways and, as Christians who are trying to engage with the rest of the world, we ought to be excited at any opportunity to proclaim the Gospel to culture in such a way that they may understand better.
In our project outline, we were instructed to suggest some way to implement the concept of this paper into some sort of practice. I think it would be a wonderful thing to begin a healing ministry that uses film and media to help people along. The healing and support groups I have been a part of usually use honest dialogue and scripture as the catalyst for their healing. However, there is something special and empathetic about seeing parts of our own story demonstrated through the arts, especially motion pictures, and I believe that can create a pathway to healing for people who may not engage in dialogue as easily as some other people. Furthermore, a ministry or group such as that would break down that barrier of “secular” and “Christian.” It would help people understand that God can work through everything for His purpose, and would ultimately bring healing and clarity to many people who need it.

:-o

can things get any better right now?

me not think so.

love

had a conversation with someone recently about love.

i like love.

our conversation revolved around the question of what is proper love and what is society's version of love. i will elaborate.

1. there is society's version of love. as a guy, this is very emotion based. it's about having the BEST and the BEST LOOKING and someone who is CONSTANTLY EXCITING and ALWAYS ADVENTUROUS. from what i can see, men in movies who would be very lovable are the ones who are very free spirited and adventurous, always thinking up new things to do each day.

and then i ask... really?! is there any way for a person to live up to all of that? there is only one best looking person in the whole world. there will always be someone who is more X and better Y. these are impossible standards to meet up to. there has to be something more.

2. then there's proper love. if what we see on tv is next to impossible to meet up to, there has to be a different type of love. so here's my suggestion. perhaps "best" is a highly relative term. perhaps it refers to inspiring security and comfort. perhaps feeling inclined to sacrifice anything for the other person is love. perhaps it isn't about sparks constantly flying but, instead, maintaining a fire that has sparks shoot out of it every once in awhile. and perhaps its about forgiveness and grace, desiring to forgive and offer grace to the other person, despite just about anything they could do. and communication. not everyone can communicate with everyone on an outstanding level. perhaps when that is found, it is something to hold onto. and perhaps all these things lead up to the "best."

i dunno. i'm just saying.

!

i'm impressed... like a waffle!

in exile

thrice - in exile (inspired by matthew 6)
I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know, one day well see face to face

I am a nomad, a wanderer
I have nowhere to lay my head down
There's no point in putting roots too deep when I'm moving on
Not settling for this unsettling town

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

I am a pilgrim, a voyager
I wont rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived
Where they'll be no pain or tears anymore

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

:-)

life is good right now.
that's all for now.
thanks.
:-)

tony hale

so tony hale came to have a q & a session with some of us at fuller. it was a great, honest, vulnerable time, and made me think an awful lot.

but one thing he said stuck out.

"if you don't practice contentment where you're at, you won't have it when you get to where you want to be." (paraphrased)

if you don't practice contentment
where (present place)
you're at (NOW! in any situation!),

you won't have it
when (future time)
you get to
where (future place)
you want to be (aspiration)


how's that for a kick in the pants?

simmering

things simmering on my griddle of a mind today (pun!):

1. stacey schwenker sent me this brilliant LOST blog: http://neverseenlost.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/episode-7-of-the-final-season-of-lost/#more-91 SUPER FUNNY! Thanks Stace!

2. i really enjoy cooking. i don't do it enough. but man, its fun. i really like being creative and just inventing stuff. putting my favorite things all together and seeing how they work together. and i really like cooking for others. guess it works well with my "acts of service" love language thing.

3. ran about a 7 minute mile yesterday, and didn't have knee pain. this makes me really happy.

4. writing tons of music. TONS!

5. i cleaned my room two night ago. it feels so nice to have a clean room.

6. i miss some friends from home. miss you guys, for rizzles. hope to come home over the summer for a little bit.

peace out for now.

. . . . .

my friend katie has been blogging from india. you can read her blog here.

it's been heartbreaking and amazing to read about her journey over there. there is so much poverty and injustice there, and yet there is also hope. katie has done a good job conveying that through her blog and it makes me wish so badly that i was there to help out or do something. at the same time, its awesome to see God using her in a tough place. if you ever want to see a creative and beautiful blog, check that one out.

another blog of note is my friend laura's blog. she just wrote a cool one on dating and what it is and isn't. hit home a little bit and brought some things to light. check it out here.

i've been writing more music. specifically, i've been spending a lot of time on "after the fire has burned out," a song that is almost 9 minutes long. i met with a friend of mine on saturday night for some assistance with it. she was a classical music composition minor in undergrad and gave me all sorts of great pointers on how to arrange things and not arrange things.

otherwise, that's life right now. music, school, work. my knee is healing up from last week and i hope to do a good hike tomorrow. maybe something like henniger flats, an 8 to 10-er, just to make sure the knee is ok again.

but life is good and i am trying to become stronger and better at it. ttfn.

bucket list revisited

i made a bucketlist last summer. here it is again, with revisions.
so i'm a young 28...probably not super close to dying. however, i've decided to make a bucket list. at the expense of sounding selfish, these are things that i would love to experience or partake in, in no particular order:

1. live in another country at some point
2. write a book
3. write a congregational worship cd
4. run a marathon
5. finish a triathalon
6. cross the san gabriel mountains on foot
7. reach 10% body fat
8. surf
9. invent something
10. start a family
11. teach a class
12. start a church
13. open an art gallery
14. reach a point where i have zero negative impact on the environment
15. ride/own a motorcycle
16. climb/hike mount whitney
17. climb to 20,000 feet
18. scuba dive
19. reach a point where most of my money is being given away regularly
20. see a taping of conan obrien (CHECK)
21. get an mft degree
22. get a doctorate in something
23. go back to australia and new zealand
24. live on a farm
25. climb mount hood
26. whitewater raft
27. release a full length solo album (CHECK)
28. write an 8+ minute song (CHECK)
29. reach a point where everyone around me knows i love them
30. write a feature length film script
31. ski
32. produce another person's album
33. finish the 8000m challenge (go up gorgonio, jacinto, and baldy in a day)
34. run a sub 6:00 mile
35. preach a sermon

"i just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands" - anberlin

i went on a hike yesterday. a different hike than usual.
i started at 1100 feet (altitude) and hiked up to about 5300 over about 9 or 10 miles. i filmed some of it, and, because i was filming on and off, i decided to have no music on (because that would cloud the film audio). so...it was basically 9-10 miles of silence and no other people around.

i arrived to san gabriel peak, the mountain i wanted to hike up to. the peak sits at over 6,000 feet tall and is the highest peak in the lower san gabriel mountains. the view is amazing. however, the trails had been destroyed by the rain and fires from the last 7 months. i tried to scramble up a few hundred feet, but, past that, it was really really dangerous and i had to turn back.

on top of that, my knee was hurting. it had been hurting more and more during the first leg of this hike, but now it was on fire and not really bending too easily.

so.

here i am.
dejected and disappointed by being so close to my goal, but not able to attain it.
not being able to film the triumphant end to this film i was shooting.
knee hurting to the point where i need to use my trekking poles as crutches.
alone.
10 miles from the trailhead. no cell phone service. no rangers or other hikers.
and on top of that, the temp has dropped into the 30's, its real windy, storm clouds are coming in, and im sweaty.

i had been praying throughout this hike. i figured it would be nice to take this opportunity to pray. however, now that everything about the hike had pretty much fallen apart, i was praying a bit more desperately, but, even more so, as if to say "ok God, You want my attention, You've got my attention. what are You telling me?"

i felt God saying a lot. some too private for blogging, other parts ok for blogging. as far as the ok parts to post...

i feel God telling me that He is moving me into a season of development. I've been in a place for awhile of recalibration and healing. i'm pretty strong in those areas right now, though, at least i think. i feel God is telling me to invest in people, as one would invest in a financial investment. time and attention are my commodity. what am i spending them on? who am i spending them on? and are these people or things that are making me feel good, feel affirmed, and feel like people that will be with me a year from now? or are these people who may be wonderful people, but who are holding me back, distracting me, or taking a lot more out of me than they give back? i needed to hear this and i think i have some decisions to make, even though i think most of my social dynamics are fairly healthy right now.

i felt Him telling me to forgive. even before a person has realized they've wrong me, i need to be willing to forgive. people aren't perfect and i fully embrace that, but when i feel i've been wronged, i take that pretty hard. i am trying to go beyond that hurt and to ask myself "why did they do that? what caused that?" and to forgive that person, based on the grounds of x+y will yield a result of z, when brought together.

and i feel God telling me to point out the great things of Creation to everyone around me. if i see love, i should point it out. if i see God moving, i should point it out. if i see wonder, i should point it out. this world and this life are such great gifts and opportunities; i don't want to miss them, myself, nor do i want to see people around me miss out on them.

my friend and i talked two days ago at the arcadia arboretum. we talked about how, with school, we tend to see the most significant part of that journey as being the culmination of that work in the graduation ceremony. however, even though that is probably going to be one of the prouder moments of school, the work, the growth, and the journey precedes graduation; the most important part of school, at least to her and i, lies in the steps along the way. perhaps that was the case yesterday with my hike. perhaps God didn't really care if i hiked up that last leg of my trip. perhaps He just wanted to get me the heck away from everything else so i would start listening. i'm listening.

taking a picture

what happens when you try to take a pic but your camera is in video mode?

this:

film

realized today in class that i really really like doing film. im hoping to film my hike on wednesday and to make a short film from that. it also gives me something to score, which is exciting!

and the ever-changing list of songs for the full length right now goes like this:
sarah walker
the question remains
blue and green
my new life
heavy
open your eyes
you will glow again
brightness
candy hearts
tomorrow
what i wish i could say
summer
life in color
chicago


of course, im writing more and more and 86ing songs as new songs come up that i perceive as better, but there is definite progress on that front. hooray!

i will celebrate this goodness with an snl short :-)

concert

just saw we were promised jetpacks and the lonely forest in concert. wow. inspiring to say the least. my creative mind was going nuts watching this show. wow.

stretched

i feel stretched.

i feel like one part of me is being taken by church, one for school, one for work, one for music, one for friends, one for other social situations, one for redeeming some past situations... and then there's the need for spending myself on God, personal time, working out, etc.

i'm good at doing this usually. really, i'm good. i can compartmentalize fairly effectively. but lately, the last couple weeks especially, i've gone to crap. i double booked myself on something recently. i NEVER double book myself on anything.

so what is the solution? ought i drop someone or something? give less to everything? or perhaps feeling like a rubberband is normal and i should just get used to it.

either way, its taking its toll on me.

marriage

thinking about asking either tegan or sara to marry me. any opinions on that? which one should i ask? let's take a vote.
then again, to take a vote, i'd need readers of this blog, of which there are none. so...
any votes?
jimmy: sara!
megan: tegan!
bob: totally tegan!
chris: i don't care, i'm hungry. i vote for clif bars.
natalie: sara is way cute.
fernando: tegan all the way.
helga: sara has a cooler hair style.

so tabbing up the votes, we have 3 for sara and 3 for tegan and 1 for clif bars. this will take more consideration than anticipated.

gr

i just destroyed all my pillowcases, threw all my clothes and blankets against the wall, and speed walked about a mile and a half in like 6 minutes.

i'm angry like once a decade. so i guess this feeling won't hit again til 2020.

expression

i feel that when i hear some songs, they express my heart better than i can.

inspiration

i've been doing this music video thing for the last week. today i was able to show the rough cut to a group of people (my grad class) and get some reaction. most of it is pretty solid and the things that can be improved are small fixes. so yay.

throughout this process, i've found myself loving this whole video thing. not necessarily the camera part or that sort of thing...but the idea part. and i think i have some other good ideas. so perhaps i'll make another video. or 5. :-)

anyways, this clip always gets me amped up. its for the amazing mutemath video for typical and shows how they made it. so good.

music video!

i've begun shooting and editing the music video for candy hearts. the video is built around love; my goal is to depict love through other peoples' stories, so as to leave the viewer with a sense and desire to reiterate that love through actions. i'm stoked. can't wait to show it to everyone and to see the effect it can have!

top 10 favorite songs of all time

was challenged to try to make this list. its not an easy one, because i like tons of music. but here's my best shot (in no order).

1. straylight run - existentialism on prom night
2. explosions in the sky - your hand in mine
3. william fitzsimmons - please don't go
4. jimmy eat world - goodbye skye harbor
5. sigur ros - hoppipolla (and hoppipolla afterbuk)
6. jawbreaker - basilica
7. christie front drive - bag
8. thrice - cold hearts, colder cash
9. underoath - too bright to see, too loud to hear
10. weezer - only in dreams

show!

tomorrow. haven't played a show in like 9 months. a little nervous. but itll rock. so much stuff to do before then.
i better see you all there tomorrow.

sundance movie reviews

ok friends. i promised to post reviews of the movies i saw at sundance. so below, thats what's up. lemme know your thoughts or agreements or disagreements!


1. The Temptation of St. Tony
The Temptation of St. Tony is a movie that chronicles the war between good and evil within people. Tony, the protagonist, is a good person who is forced to endure really terrible things: his wife leaves him after cheating on him, he is forced to unfairly fire all of the workers he manages, he is laughed at by the police when reporting a pile of bodies that he witnessed in the woods, etc… As the movie goes on, things go from bad to worse, culminating in a bizarre ending, where Tony ends up as the last person remaining in the world – and he is forced by the devil to eat his girlfriend, demonstrating Tony’s succumbing to evil and, thus, dooming all of humanity as unable to resist becoming evil.
This movie tries to be deeper than it really is. I feel that the cinematography was great and the acting was sufficient. Besides that, this movie was overly artistic, to the point that it failed to make it’s point. Furthermore, the author’s view on humanity as inevitably doomed by its greed and lust is convoluted and lost amongst all of the overproduction of this film. Also, the only character I ever cared about was Tony, and even then it was very little. Zero stars. Just not a good, thought out movie. It felt like Rocky Horror Picture Show meets I Am Legend, but in Estonian subtitles. I feel that this point has been more clearly made in movies like Jurassic Park.

2. Animal Kingdom
Animal Kingdom was one of my favorite movies at Sundance. Animal Kingdom takes place in Australia. J, the main character, is a high school aged kid, whose mom overdoses on drugs and kills herself. His father is no longer in the picture, so he is forced to move in with his grandma, whom he hardly knows. While at his grandma’s house, he becomes better acquainted with his uncles, and he learns that their occupation is dangerous and criminal. J becomes trapped between staying loyal to his family and keeping with his well-natured roots. As the movie goes on, his family also begins to turn on him, but he still tries to maintain that aforementioned loyalty to them by not talking to the police and by assisting them in some of their criminal acts.
This movie was perfectly done. The story is compelling, the acting is great, the cinematography is wonderful, and the music is brilliant. It raises the question, at least for me, regarding loyalty: when we know that our loved ones are doing wrong, how loyal should we be? This also pertains to faith; I struggle at times with how to always be perfectly blameless in the eyes of my friends and family and to maintain that loyalty and positive image when I know that God is calling me to say or do something that they may not like. Furthermore, when faced with that possibility, J’s family turn out to not be very supportive after all, and all he is left with are his convictions.

3. Obselidia
Obselidia flat out sucked. It was an awful movie that lacked direction, was poorly scripted, and featured characters that I didn’t care about in any way. George is a character who collects obsolete things. He is set in the past and, ironically (but not too ironically) ends up becoming obsolete himself. However, he meets a woman who opens up his heart to love and life and he learns a new way of life, that awakens him from his dormancy. At least theoretically it does.
I found myself not cheering for this character at all. Furthermore, I absolutely hated the screenwriter’s neandering polemics, built around saving the environment and whether love exists or not. It seemed like the author had all of this stuff to say, and she created characters to say it for her… but she neglected to install any sort of empathy or interest in the characters and story. Also, the music composition in this was pretty lame and just did not work for me.
I do appreciate how this film made me feel inspired to make sure I’m not obsolete or stuck in the past, however. This is something that seems imperative in the bible for all of God’s followers; the need to be living, moving through the world, and not so over-focused on the past but the present and future.

4. 12th and Delaware
12th and Delaware is a documentary that portrays the struggle between a planned parenthood and abortion center, which are across the street from one another. Interesting premise, poor documentary. For one, the filmmakers chose a relatively normal abortion center staff to showcase, and yet they chose some of the nuttiest Christians around to highlight. I know it is not the documentary-makers’ faults that these Christians are nuts and that they’re the only protestors there; however, it is misrepresentative of much of the Christian population that I know, and I felt sick watching much of this film.
On the positive side of things, I felt touched and challenged to figure out some sort of action, as a Christian, regarding sustainable help to people who are considering abortion. I believe and advocate for the sanctity of life and I am very pro-life in my ideology. However, hearing about the different situations that some of the prospective abortion-cliental were caught in – I am not totally sure that their babies would be born into a healthy situation. Furthermore, it seems that the Church isn’t involved enough in helping people in these situations, and that ought to change. The war seems to be, not just about abortion or not abortion, but also in supporting parents’ various situations so young parents do not feel so alone and helpless and without any other options.

5. the Dry Land
This movie completely floored me. For one, the performances were amazing, especially from Ryan O’Nan and Jason Ritter. Secondly, the direction was wonderful and the movie had a good balance of artistic but raw and real. And finally and most importantly, the story was touching and hit home for many people, including me.
I have many people who are close to me that deal with severe PTSD. I have struggled with the question of what to do about these people. I like them but I don’t know how to connect with them at all and that frustrates me. Furthermore, they are not able to seek help because the military teaches that doing so is a sign of weakness. Actually, coming home after Sundance, I talked to one of these people who I usually can’t connect with in any way. I recommended that he see this movie when it comes out and he actually seemed interested in doing that. It is really cool to see God working through movies to bring about redemption in ways that otherwise probably would not be possible.

6. Nowhere Boy
This movie was about John Lennon’s years as a rebellious teen. It was, overall, well written, acted, and put together. The story had good flow and prompted me to take interest in John Lennon, even though I normally do not really care much at all for the Beatles. Plus the music was great, and that is something really draws me in.
However, the movie has proven to be fairly forgettable. There was nothing really wrong with this movie, but I do not really feel edified or affected from watching this. John Lennon went through a lot as a teen, but most of it was perpetuated by himself. I can’t really think of any major resolution Lennon came to by the end of the movie, outside of his newfound love for his aunt. I struggled to find any sort of spiritual epiphany or realization in this movie, and honestly, I don’t really think John Lennon had to overcome much to become the star he became.

7. Hesher
Hesher was insulting, perverted, offensive, morally-reprehesive, harsh, crass, and absolutely brilliant. Hesher enters into the lives of a shattered family and turns everything upside down. However, this isn’t such a bad thing. Their lives were so stagnant and shell-shocked and they needed someone to cut through them like a knife. Hesher’s crass dialogue and actions were effective in showing the level of disruption needed to interrupt such a stalled, stagnant paradigm.
Cinematically, the only thing I have to complain about is a bit of the inconsistent coloration from scene to scene and the miscast Natalie Portman, who, for once, did not really do a good job in her role. She acted like a blander version of her character from Garden State.
However, this movie really affected me, especially with the final scene. I think that sometimes we need a Hesher in our life, in order to move past an obstacle, may it be spiritual or whatever else in nature. Furthermore, I believe that God sends us Heshers in various forms to push us closer to Him. Romans 5 talks about suffering and grief as being wonderful gifts, in that they result in strength and better awareness of God’s grace. However, sometimes we can become stuck in these situations and we need something to push us along, whether it be up/improvement or down/negatively. Movement is better than no movement at all.

8. Buried
Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes. That pretty much sums this up. He plays a person who has been buried in a coffin in the middle of the Iraqi desert. The only things in his coffin are a lighter and cell phone. Therefore, he essentially has 90 minutes to figure out a way to get out of the coffin.
The movie is simplistic and I find that to be the joy of it. Hitchcock would be proud of a movie like this. Reynolds is a effective in his role; he is able to display his well-appreciated sarcasm, but also shows a powerful dramatic side that is not often seen in his movies.
I found myself envisioning what I would do in his position. Would I proclaim my love to all of my loved ones, using that cell phone? Would I try to save myself and burn away those minutes that could be spent calling people and saying goodbye to them? Or would I freeze up and not be able to do anything? What I found myself believing is that, even though I am not in a box (obviously), I only have limited minutes on this planet. Ought I spend so much time preserving myself or should I be spending more time loving the people around me? The coffin acts as a microcosm to something much bigger – life – and poses questions about the purpose of existing and what we all ought to value with our time.

9. happythankyoumoreplease
Favorite movie at Sundance, no contest. This is the one movie I wanted to see and it exceeded my expectations. John Radnor’s script is beautiful. Sure, it has a couple clichés and a bit of dragging, but, overall, it showcases three beautiful, realistic tales of love that hit right to the core of the viewer. It’s basically Love Actually meets Garden State, and I am totally ok with that.
The acting is great. The filming is wonderful. The setting was perfect. This movie left myself and all of my friends feeling good. Like, really good. Sometimes, I will leave a movie feeling that post-laughter rush of hormones (ie how I felt with Hesher). However, this movie made my soul feel warmed and good. It gave me hope that there is true love in this world and that people are naturally good with good intentions (eat that Karl Barth!). Situationally, it can be difficult to live this out or to stay on track, but, through being real and communal, we can succeed in finding love and being loved.

10. Bhutto
I went into Bhutto with a bad attitude. I had seen happythankyoumoreplease before Bhutto and I did not want any movie to ruin the feeling I had from that movie, especially a movie that would obviously end in the murder of the protagonist. However, I was actually blown away by this movie. Previously, I had no clue of how important Bhutto was or the relationship between her family and the fight for democracy in Pakistan. Also, I’d had no idea just how badly the USA perpetuated a grim situation in Pakistan. I felt ashamed of my country, but, at the same time, encouraged to see someone like Benizir Bhutto stand up for her rights and for other peoples’ rights.
This movie was touching in so many ways. The biggest way was that it showed me a real life hero. Bhutto bravely gave her life up for the betterment of the people around her. Even though I believe that the God of the universe is next to me, would I do that? Would I be able to show such bravery and composure in such a situation? Absolutely not. However, this movie shows that God creates everyone differently, so that not everyone has to be Bhutto. Some people need to be the bookeepers and secretaries of such a movement; others ought to be laypeople who discuss political and other issues with their social networks. That thought calmed my soul.

love this

love this so much. please check it. so amazing.

new album download

go get it. its free. matthewcavanaughmusic.com. theres also cool art that comes with it. seriously.

now that the ep is just about out there, here's my focus:
1. a music video for candy hearts
2. the full length album
3. my thesis project for grad school
4. composing for some films
5. making a short film about hiking.
6. other school homework stuff.

if i wasnt type a, i could be stressed right now. but yay for type a.

new songs on the space

im at sundance and only have a free sec here...so....
i uploaded the valentines day ep onto the space today.
check it out (myspace.com/matthewcavanaugh) and lemme know your thoughts. i hope you laugh a bit and dance a bit from listening to it!
and next week these songs will be available for FREE download on matthewcavanaughMUSIC.com, along with other assorted goodies!
oh! and sundance winners so far in my book:

buried
animal kingdom
the dry land
hesher

okbye.

chaos is the ultimate inspiration

life feels insane lately. just insane. not bad. things are actually pretty good. just tons to do. i felt handcuffed the last few days, partially because my stomach decided to explode. i wasn't able to work on the valentine ep as much as i wanted or to get as ahead on my hwork as i wanted to.

but yesterday things kind of bubbled over.

and i knocked out a paper 2 days early.

and i mixed a couple of the valentines songs.

and today i began composing my thesis project and knocked out a huge portion of it.

yay for progress.

and now for an audio clip.

one of the most beautiful songs in a long time

this song just makes me breathless and i feel its worth sharing. i'm usually not a die hard switchfoot fan, but this is worth a listen in my opinion.

valentine ep

just about done with everything on the valentine ep! couple overdubs left, one more verse of lyrics to redo, and just mixing. woot!

the playlist:
1. brightness!
2. so i decided to sell out and write a valentine's day song
3. candy hearts
4. start (2010 version)
5. the warm shiver of eye contact

i can't wait to finish this and release it!

trips trips trips trips trips!

i have trips coming up! and i'm excited because i'm usually a homebody.
i'm going to:
sundance in utah at the end of january.
nyc and connecticut most like in february or early march.
d.c. in may.

and i'm having all sorts of people from all over the place come visit LA.

this makes me happy.

almost as happy as the new kittens inspired by kittens girl video. yay.

whoa

i've been admittedly bored by most of what switchfoot has done the last few years. in my eyes, the beautiful letdown was great, but just about all of their other albums have have had goo-goo-dolls-syndrome; in other words, they'd have a couple exceptional singles and the rest would be fluff.
well, this new album by them "hello hurricane" is blowing my mind. seriously. this thing is really REALLY good. consistent. moving. and the single "mess of me" is potentially my all time fave song by them. give it a listen, even if you haven't liked what they've done much.

new videos

!

i just wrote a techno song with flutes as the main instruments.
what is happening to me?

for me this is heaven

i recorded something just for kicks. would love to hear your thoughts on it!

jimmy eat world cover (for me this is heaven)