the joy of the Lord?

kick ass call for repentance

this is a cool song that i think would make for the most intense and abrasive altar call ever. not altar call as in "commit your life to Jesus" stuff but instead, as an outward expression of giving a specific burden up to God. maybe someday i'll be at a church where the worship band sounds like this.

hope

i've been trying to ask the question regularly... where do i find hope? through all of the bad crap i'm trying to endure, where is the hope? and so i've compiled a list of things that i've experienced or enjoyed recently that give me hope. some are fun, some are serious.

1. the new mew cd. its beautiful and encouraging and empathetic and beautiful again, all simultaenously.



2. my job at rei. its been tough but today i absolutely was awesome and it felt good.



3. going to see paper heart on friday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZbqQ-aeXO0
(embedding disabled)

4. almost done with goldengay's prophets class. i like the class and i like him but i need an intellectual break badly.

5. writing music. i'm writing music at an alarming rate now. its flowing and this is good.

6. i've learned that i have at least a couple of friends i can be real with. this is good.

rip rainer maria

im on a huge rainer maria kick right now and miss them so much. so good.

i need people

i was talking to my friends drew today at lunch about a lot of heavy stuff and he said something that felt like a snow shovel thwacking me across the face.

i've grown up independently processing things around me.
when a friend or grandparent would die - i figured out by myself how to react.
when i would get in trouble in elementary school (not common though) - i would internally process it.
when i would have problems with family or friends or whatever - i independently assessed the situation.
when i would have a huge test coming up - i learned best by studying alone.
when i was in bands, i was best at songwriting - playing music by myself.
when i felt sad or hurt or embarrassed or ashamed - i came to conclusions on my own, quietly.

i grew up alone. i grew up solitaire. alone = safe. alone = easy. i didn't have to trust people. there were times when i would trust people but, more often than not, i would be hurt or punished for that risk.

with all of the really bad stuff i'm going through right now, i've been dealing with it...alone. but i'm at a point where that is not working. i'm struggling with trusting myself, my own judgment and discernment and decision-making through all of that stuff. and i'm being forced to trust other people to help. i hate that.

so drew called me out on it. if i remember correctly, he basically said that i am writing my friends off before they have an opportunity to show me support or love, based on those negative past experiences. and he affirmed me in saying that i have friends that love me and want to help, want to be there, and who won't run away like so many others have before them (or who i even pushed away through that aversive mindset).

trusting people. i need to learn to trust people. other people. not myself.

tonight was bad. things were bad. i tried calling home but my parents were not an avenue for discussing anything with depth. and so i called my friend liz. and i lost it, completely. but she was there. and she affirmed me. and she showed me a trust and friendship and love that is unique and that i havent experienced much of before. and she got me through tonight. and for friends like drew and liz, i am extremely grateful. friends who will hear my darkest side, who will see what is beneath my facade, and who will love me and show me grace in spite of that.

potpourri

lots happening in life right now.

work. i've been working a lot at my part time job at rei. i like it. a lot. it's challenging right now because i dont know all of the equipment we sell, but that will come with time. i figure as long as i weather the storm for awhile, that stuff will come. but i like it. and the paycheck, as not huge as it is, is a very nice benefit and will help my unaffordable education/pasadena life become a little less unaffordable.

music. it's weird. i swear off writing music... and then it all flows to me quickly and powerfully. it's happened time and time again. and its happening again. i've been writing a TON of music. i don't know why or for what intention. but i'm writing and that is cathartic and wonderful for me, at least.

social life. i'm still trying to figure out this issue of love... am i really unable to receive or give love to anyone? it would seem so, at least right now. i dont know mean romantic love, i mean any type of love or affection. it seems like the best way to hurt me right now is to compliment me. how backwards is that? i guess i have a lot to sift through. i desire to become a person who can reverse that dynamic, a person who embraces and lives a life of love to all; i'm just not sure how to get there.

hobbies. i've been hiking a lot again. and i want to try bouldering/climbing a lot more. i've been writing a bit. and writing music, as i mentioned. i find that, given where i'm at socially right now, hobbies are a great thing to invest myself in. call it escapism if you want to; i call it self preservation and a way to keep my head on halfway straight right now.

anyways, that's enough vulnerability to show for one night. then again no one reads this so ok. but yep. gnight.

betsy mccaughey is nuts and jon stewart shows us why

betsy mccaughey is a politician who radically opposes obama's healthcare bill. there are a couple reasons i find the bill to be suspect, but this woman is absolutely nuts. she is against his bill...because... well i'll just let you watch it. but kudos to jon stewart.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Betsy McCaughey Extended Interview Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Betsy McCaughey Extended Interview Pt. 2
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

new song

i just posted a new song on myspace. it's called "heavy." hope you enjoy it.

myspace.com/matthewcavanaugh

...

"...its not the despair... it's the hope i can't stand..." - john cleese, "clockwise"

...because hope takes effort and faith and trust and energy, despair doesn't...

love?

love. it occurs in two reciprocative equations:

1. giving love.

2. accepting love.

i would argue that both are important. i would also argue that both are integral for our lives. one could even make an argument that the purpose of living is to, both, give and accept love - love that is defined and rooted in the breathtaking parameters created by God.

so what happens when we are unable to give or receive love? do we lose what is fundamental and definitive of ourselves as human beings? do we lose our purpose? how do we reconcile this?

i think we all need to evaluate where we're at with both of those ideas. right now, i think i'm ok with #1 and terrible at #2. i hate accepting grace, mercy, love, kindness, etc. hate it. even more, i hate not being able to receive love. i am in a place where i'm questioning my basic ability to receive any kind of affection and love. when someone compliments me, i want to run away. what is up with that? someone that i haven't seen in a month told me tonight that i look like i've been working out a lot... and i must have been so red from blushing. am i alone in feeling like this? i fear that if i cannot reconcile this characteristic, i will never be able to love anyone in the way i hope to someday.

so much to say, but not via blog

as the title insinuates, lots to say, think about, process right now.

i just watched district 9, the new ultra super scifi movie from peter jackson. i don't want to talk much about it because a lot of the movie could be spoiled. however, a lot of the movie has to do with the eternal battle of nature (bad) and intentions (good). you can define those terms differently and that becomes a big theological debate... but i don't really feel like going there. but anyways, good v. bad. someone in the movie does something really heroic, something kind of unpredictable, and they die. well kind of. but its their last action we know of. and i began to think about life and last actions. don't let that set off red flags... i was just pondering that concept.

and i realized...

each of our actions could be our last.

each of our words could be our last.

each of our thoughts could be our last.

each of our conversations could be our last.

our lives are tender and deserve to be taken care of, reverently, joyfully, and worshipfully. we could live 9 more seconds or 90 more years. what do you want to be your last action? understanding that the only certainty in life is that we will all at one point die... how do we learn to live in such a way that our next actions and our last actions become synonymous with each other, fervently focused on answering the question, "What do I want my legacy to be, while alive and deceased, and how does that reflect God's loving purposes for the world around me?"

if this is my last blog post ever, what do i want people to know?

The Great Exchange by Thrice

I crewed on a fair golden ship that went down at the dawn of the world. We mutinied had sentenced our captain to die 'fore our sails had barely unfurled.
We sank shortly after our riot, Wanton flames and our powder kegs met. While I swam for my life became voices aloft, joyful, unearthly, and dread.
Singing of a violent, tireless mystery that one would give his life to save his enemies
Too bone tired to keep my arms moving to swim or even grasp out for straws...Undertow drew me down into its cold and infinite, indigo jaws. I was singing of a violent, tireless mystery that one would give his life to save his enemies. Thought I must be dead or dreaming when my captain still battered, betrayed, pulled me up, laid me over the beam he clung to...Breathed his last and sank under the waves.

Your body is a bridge across an endless sea. Your body is a bridge across an endless sea.

the end

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' - Matthew 25:21
Feeling tired, upset, hurt by people. Trying to persevere in spite of it all while maintaining weakness and humility.
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
In the face of adversity, people trying to pick oneself apart for personal gain, personal profit, or out of insecurity. Feeling stretched in all directions, everyone wanting a piece of you. Tired. Barely breathing. Little left. But staying composed. I need to stay composed. I need to be strong.
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
While all this time attempting to maintain a sense of humility and faith - with my eyes turned towards God as much as I can. I'm imperfect, I have flaws, I have weaknesses. To consider that, just as other people, jobs, groups, things are pulling me away from a fullness promised in my Master's happiness - to consider that I, myself, as a fallen being may also do that to other people, other things, other groups - and to learn to be ok with that but not be ok with that.
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
Oh how I long to hear those bold, promised words. And to believe that those promised words are available. To me. And you, my three blog readers. To believe that there is a place where His grace meets my perpetual transgressions, where His love meets my disgust, where His transformation meets my stubbornness, and where HIs sufficiency meets my inadequacy. His sufficiency.
I long to hear these words with every molecule of life and death in me. "Well done, good and faithful servant." No "but's." No "except's."

Simply:

"Well done.

Good.

Faithful.

Servant.

You are good enough."

swell season

for you once/swell season/frames fans out there... here's a good link.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111679769


those kids played the tiny desk at npr and debuted a bunch of new stuff. i dig it, at least what ive heard so far. glen hansard is the musician i wish i could become.

onto other topics...

rei is really cool so far. i like the coworkers, the store, the attitudes. people just seem smart and chill and like the want actually be there. its great.

i'm writing so much music right now. i've probably written 30 songs in 2009 and have 0 professionally ready for release. i can't seem to get to that place where i feel like i have something worthy enough to share. grr.

some goals i have in place for the next few weeks:
summit baldy (10,600)
summit san jacinto (11+)
summit gorgonio (11,600)

i'm still doing p90x (2 weeks running) but not getting the results i want, so... more hiking, more cardio in addition to p90. plus i think it' be cool to summit some mountains where altitude starts to affect breathing patterns. it just shows progress. plus now that i work at rei, i can spend my paycheck on fun rei toys for that stuff. so bring on big mountains, new REI toys, 10% bodyfat, and free time to do stuff that isn't work or school.

joshua 1:5

As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. - NIV

In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you. - the Message

For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. - NLT

Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. - ESV

as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. - KJV

will not
LEAVE
nor
FORSAKE
you.
me.
us.

not alone.
not left behind.
forgotten.
deserted.

but conversely...

we're presently with God.
presently next to Him.
remembered.
in His thoughts.

God is here. the God of the universe is here. HERE. NOW. HERE. with YOU and ME. tangibly present.

may this idea pervade our very beings in such a way that we can't help but flourish and love God through His Creation. this is my prayer for you and me.

the weight by thrice

every once in awhile, a song comes along that lyrically personifies everything my soul aches to say. other times, a song will come along that has the music, the sound, the rhythm, the melodies of my most inmost being. and then every long once in awhile, a song comes along that marries both concepts together and produces transcendent beauty, empathy, and catharsis in a way that nothing else can. "the weight" by thrice is one of these songs.



There’s many who’ll tell you they’ll give you their love,
But when they say “give” they mean “take.”
They’ll hang ‘round just like vultures till push comes to shove.
They’ll take flight when the earth starts to shake.

Someone may say that they’ll always be true,
Then slip out the door ‘fore the dawn.
But I won’t leave you hanging on.
Another may stay till they find someone new,
Then before you know they’ll be gone.
But I won’t leave you hanging on;
No, I won’t be that someone.


And come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind
Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
And come what may, I will be standing right here by your side;
I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.


Some talk of destiny, others of fate,
But soon they’ll be saying goodbye.
But I won’t leave you high and dry.
Because a ring don’t mean nothing
If you can’t haul the weight,
And some of them won’t even try,
But I won’t leave you high and dry;
I won’t leave you wondering why.

And come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind
Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
And come what may, I will be standing right here by your side;
I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.


And storms will surely come,
But true love is a choice you must make
And you’re the one that I have set my heart to choose.
As long as I live, I swear I’ll see this through.

i need a break

monday - meeting in the AM, homework, workout, class
tuesday - work 9-4, homework, workout, dinner plans
wednesday - work 9-4, workout, class
thursday - work 9-4, workout, homework
friday - work 9-4, workout
sat - doctors appt in the am, probably church worship practice in the afternoon
sun - church, doctors appt

etc...

this week has been busy, partially because of mandatory training at the job, but i really really really need a day to do nothing (go for a long hike on baldy or grogonio or somewhere like that). i haven't had a day of nothing since i got back to pasadena about a month ago and i feel it grinding away at me, but i really can't do much - hands are tied. tired. need break very soon.

jeremy enigk

jeremy enigk has the soundtrack for my life. i start the new job today. im excited, nervous, ancipatory. i feel like i'm 17 and starting my first job once again. so.... jeremy enigk, thank you for writing a song (actually a lot of songs) that personifies my feelings.

"... i just want some coffee..."

brilliant satire.

closure

i'm realizing a lot about myself right now. some good, some difficult, some unsettled, some settles.

one thing i've realized is that i need closure.

i've rarely gotten closure in my life.

i have a lot of open wounds from when i was young that were never cauterized.
i have friendships in my past that disappeared without explanation.
i have friends that have passed away unexpectedly.
or friends that got married and disappeared from everyone.
emotions that never were met with explanation.
confusion.

the need for closure.

i realized some of this today. i've spent the last two and a half months giving my life to some interns at church. these interns chose to help at church this summer and go through this process - not for school credit - but in order to grow closer to God. i was asked to help co-lead devotions a few times a week with another person. however, in order to help mentor, it takes more than a couple hours a week... so i've done my best to hang out with our interns as much as i can before i start to annoy them. i've taught some things, they've taught me some things. i've made some mistakes and they've made some mistakes. but we did life together. and its been awesome.

but now its over. tomorrow is the last day. some of these people i will see in a couple weeks at church; others are going away, disappearing. things won't be the same. and i don't have closure.

things were just getting started... and now they're over. people i felt closer to will return to their old lives, old friends, old habitats and things will never be the same.

i wish things would be the same. i wish i could have consistency with people, with friends, with church, with jobs, with life. i wish i could have something to count on, that isn't shifting sand. this is my prayer to the One who promises to not be shifting sand.

one year ago...

a lot happens in a year, as i've witnessed first hand. as of august 4th, 2008, i:

-was still working at my printing company job with one month left
-was living with my parents, since i'd sold my house in february and was preparing to move away
-was listening to a steady diet of anathallo, sigur ros, and jimmy eat world
-wasn't reading much
-was not sure why God was calling me to ministry
-would never have ever seen myself as a pastor, author, or any other type of vision-caster for others
-had money in my bank account
-felt comfortable with the church plant i was a part of (missio dei) but felt called to see so much more happen
-felt nominally part of the reformed church denom


as of august 4th, 2009, i:

-am starting my first job in a year at REI (starting this saturday!)
-live with two roomates, kris and george, in a small, ghetto apartment where rats and skunks apparently also live
-am listening to a steady diet of anathallo, sigur ros/riceboy sleeps, and jimmy eat world
-am reading a lot (just reread some yaconelli stuff, about to start dallas willard's book "the divine conspiracy")
-am figuring out why God called me to ministry and where that particular focus falls into
-am writing a book, helping out in leadership at church, and training to become a better church and civil leader
-have little money in my bank account
-feel comfortable at oasis but feel called to see much more happen
-feel very much a part of the vineyard denomination

church plant stats

we talked about church planting statistics at devotions today (at my church). i also found this link with some interesting stats:
http://www.namb.net/atf/cf/%7BCDA250E8-8866-4236-9A0C-C646DE153446%7D/RESEARCH_REPORT_SURVIVABILITY_HEALTH.PDF

anyways, here's some stuff from that link and what we talked about today.

the average age of a senior pastor at a church plant (for vineyard churches in north america) -
1% of senior pastors are 20-29 y/o
18% of senior pastors are 30-39 y/o


only 22% of Vineyard church plants live past 5 years.


Worship styles among church plants in 2007:
Traditional 8%
Contemporary 62
Postmodern/Emerging 4
Seeker 1
Blended Traditional and Contemporary 19
Fellowship/Relational 1
No identified style 2


Approximately 24% of church plants start with a team (1< person)


Church plant average receipts
year 1 - $40k
year 2 - $55k
year 3 - $75k
year 4 - $90k


Church planters work level compared to who received compensation
40+ hrs per week - 90% were compensated, 10% weren't
20-39 hrs per week - 65% were, 35% weren't
<20 hrs per week - 25% were, 70% weren't (5% died? not sure where that quotient went!)


% of churches that are self sufficient
Year 1 - 30%
Year 2 - 40%
Year 3 - 55%
Year 4 - 63%
Year 5 - 70%


Church plant survival rates (across all denoms) per year
Year 1 - 99%
Year 2 - 92%
Year 3 - 81%
Year 4 - 68%



So what's this all mean? Well, it means that the vision I am feeling towards a bivocational ministry role in a post-contemporary church that sets out to minister to the community with its gifts (financially and energetically)... this is a difficult, extreme minority vision with a lot of challenges against it. and that's how i want it.

mother theresa would pray for food and sustenance almost non-stop. someone once asked her why she does this... and she replied something to the effect of "because we don't have a choice - we must rely on God for our daily provision and for our very livelihood, here." same thing goes for this church plant idea. if its gonna happen, God must be relied on completely.

i'm starting to get awfully excited.

a good inspiring song to start your monday

from me to you with love.

owl city

really interesting video from a really interesting christian artist.

"everything is never as it seems"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI4JLa0hbUw

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