dear death part II by Emery

(lyrics below)




Time is running out as you die, die, die in this bed not making a sound.
It has all come crashing down to the heel, and watch you breathe your last.
So helpless to stop you from slipping away so fast.

Oh, God, are you listening now?
As this cancer dances through her, and then takes a bow.
It won't disappoint the crowd, whose word is a curse, as I hear them one-by-one.
Please pull the string, and I come undone.

I know this. I felt the same. I'm sleeping by your side.
You're worth this. I wouldn't trade a day.
So many days I've been blind.
I want to stop and rewind.
Kick off our shoes and dance with the ghost of you.

Who could tease me and leave me begging for the abuse?
You're the only I knew that could tame me, and make me who I am.
But now, there's self-blaming and there's nothing left of all my plans.

I know this. I felt the same. I'm sleeping by your side.
You're worth this. I wouldn't trade a day.
So many days I've been blind.
I want to stop and rewind.
Kick off our shoes and dance..

Let's dance again.
We'll turn up our sleeves.
I know just where to begin.
Dance, let's dance again.
We could find ourselves before this happens...

Words of mine are trite and simple shame.
Still we find a place in everything.
It's just to break the silence that has been crushing me.
Half of me is dead, already gone.
Half is screaming everyone is wrong.
Finally asking now, will you just hear me out?

This was all my fault.
You brought me death, and it's everything I wanted.
It's the wrong side of fear that kept me out.

music

between working out nonstop, working, and attending miscellaneous social gatherings, i've been writing boatloads of music. i'm taking a very different approach to writing lately: i'm writing in reverse. i'll record a vocal melody or guitar line and reverse it. and then i'll reverse another line on top of it. its weird. real weird. but i think i'm on to something good.

other things i've been doing lately:
1. still trying to find hope and help for the crap i'm going through. it's hard but in order to live any sort of an adjusted, normal life, i need to go through this. if it doesn't kill me, it'll help me.

2. music i've been listening to nonstop: new david crowder, we were promised jetpacks, and the new decemberists.

3. i really like my job. i work with a lot of people who don't believe the same things i believe (religiously) and i love it. a lot of them dont care to ask questions, but, instead, want to tell me their thoughts about things... and i love that they feel comfortable talking to me about that... and i have the opportunity to fight against their negative experiences with christ followers. its a great invitation and i hold it in deep reverence.

4. i'm obsessed with the wire (tv show). its awesome. just finished s1, onto s2.

5. i've noticed i'm dropping a lot of fat lately. it felt like i was stalled for awhile but the last two weeks, i've noticed a big difference and i can see abdominal muscles. that is fun.

6. i've been rock climbing/wall climbing a lot. i suck at it...but im getting a lot better each time i do it. and i love it. love it love it love it. anything that makes me feel as competitive as that is awesome. good feeling.

7. deep question on my mind lately: why do some people (if not all in certain situations) struggle with accepting love from people? i'm struggling with this concept a lot: i desire to be loved by everyone, but i can't always accept it. and that makes me frustrated. and i don't really understand it.

i want to give m83 a hug.

this song is beautiful beyond description.

oh, dichotomous world

why do so many people rush towards a black and white, dichotomous culture?

spiritual-not spiritual
sedentary-active
living in the past-living in the present-living in the future
culture is bad-culture is good
etc.

what would life look life if we didn't see things so black and white? what if everything was seen as spiritual, what if our schedules allowed our normal lives to sufficiently incorporate activity naturally, what if we lived in the past present and future simultaneously, what culture wasn't bad or good but just was and our job was to view it the best we could? and why are Christians the worst offenders at living lives that strive to be so absolutist when Jesus seemed to try to use everything around him as best He could? how would that affect our lives and our goals, our hope and our purpose?

asking for what isn't visible

i need a lot of prayer right now. the stuff i've been going through, more or less, in the last year has gotten a lot worse. i've tried self diagnosing and have had a little success but nothing that's gotten me through the storm i'm in. and so i resort to prayer.

it's hard, though, because i don't know what can get me out of this. when people ask how they can pray for me, my only response is... "i don't know." i'm not trying to be depressing, i just really don't know.

and so i am relying on God now, not because i don't have anymore strength, but because i don't have an answer. i have no answer whatsoever. so, God... help. can use a little intervention.

recording

i've started recording and writing a lot of music again. i wrote out a short story and each song is a portion of that story. its kind of fun. hopefully i can stay on the wagon with this one. thats all for now.

relienk t

lately i've uncharacteristically emotional. a lot. before a month or so ago, i dont think id cried for years. yet... things have changed.

i went bouldering today and it was a blast. it was a good day. actually one of the best days ive had in a long time, and damnit i needed it so badly. but on the way home, i randomly threw relient k on on my ipod. relient k are one of those bands that one needs to be in the mood to listen to. their lyrics and music have progressed so much since marilyn manson ate their girlfriend. but i put on "let it all out" and actually listened to the words and was so touched. if there is one song that personifies how i feel right now, its this one. and ill admit to shedding a lot of tears to it, cuz real men do cry.

"Let It All Out"

Let it all out, get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known at times I have shown signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me there is strength

and you promise me that you believe in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me, make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you, for you

and I know you know you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light