Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
kick ass call for repentance
this is a cool song that i think would make for the most intense and abrasive altar call ever. not altar call as in "commit your life to Jesus" stuff but instead, as an outward expression of giving a specific burden up to God. maybe someday i'll be at a church where the worship band sounds like this.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
hope
i've been trying to ask the question regularly... where do i find hope? through all of the bad crap i'm trying to endure, where is the hope? and so i've compiled a list of things that i've experienced or enjoyed recently that give me hope. some are fun, some are serious.
1. the new mew cd. its beautiful and encouraging and empathetic and beautiful again, all simultaenously.
2. my job at rei. its been tough but today i absolutely was awesome and it felt good.
3. going to see paper heart on friday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZbqQ-aeXO0
(embedding disabled)
4. almost done with goldengay's prophets class. i like the class and i like him but i need an intellectual break badly.
5. writing music. i'm writing music at an alarming rate now. its flowing and this is good.
6. i've learned that i have at least a couple of friends i can be real with. this is good.
1. the new mew cd. its beautiful and encouraging and empathetic and beautiful again, all simultaenously.
2. my job at rei. its been tough but today i absolutely was awesome and it felt good.
3. going to see paper heart on friday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZbqQ-aeXO0
(embedding disabled)
4. almost done with goldengay's prophets class. i like the class and i like him but i need an intellectual break badly.
5. writing music. i'm writing music at an alarming rate now. its flowing and this is good.
6. i've learned that i have at least a couple of friends i can be real with. this is good.
Monday, August 24, 2009
i need people
i was talking to my friends drew today at lunch about a lot of heavy stuff and he said something that felt like a snow shovel thwacking me across the face.
i've grown up independently processing things around me.
when a friend or grandparent would die - i figured out by myself how to react.
when i would get in trouble in elementary school (not common though) - i would internally process it.
when i would have problems with family or friends or whatever - i independently assessed the situation.
when i would have a huge test coming up - i learned best by studying alone.
when i was in bands, i was best at songwriting - playing music by myself.
when i felt sad or hurt or embarrassed or ashamed - i came to conclusions on my own, quietly.
i grew up alone. i grew up solitaire. alone = safe. alone = easy. i didn't have to trust people. there were times when i would trust people but, more often than not, i would be hurt or punished for that risk.
with all of the really bad stuff i'm going through right now, i've been dealing with it...alone. but i'm at a point where that is not working. i'm struggling with trusting myself, my own judgment and discernment and decision-making through all of that stuff. and i'm being forced to trust other people to help. i hate that.
so drew called me out on it. if i remember correctly, he basically said that i am writing my friends off before they have an opportunity to show me support or love, based on those negative past experiences. and he affirmed me in saying that i have friends that love me and want to help, want to be there, and who won't run away like so many others have before them (or who i even pushed away through that aversive mindset).
trusting people. i need to learn to trust people. other people. not myself.
tonight was bad. things were bad. i tried calling home but my parents were not an avenue for discussing anything with depth. and so i called my friend liz. and i lost it, completely. but she was there. and she affirmed me. and she showed me a trust and friendship and love that is unique and that i havent experienced much of before. and she got me through tonight. and for friends like drew and liz, i am extremely grateful. friends who will hear my darkest side, who will see what is beneath my facade, and who will love me and show me grace in spite of that.
i've grown up independently processing things around me.
when a friend or grandparent would die - i figured out by myself how to react.
when i would get in trouble in elementary school (not common though) - i would internally process it.
when i would have problems with family or friends or whatever - i independently assessed the situation.
when i would have a huge test coming up - i learned best by studying alone.
when i was in bands, i was best at songwriting - playing music by myself.
when i felt sad or hurt or embarrassed or ashamed - i came to conclusions on my own, quietly.
i grew up alone. i grew up solitaire. alone = safe. alone = easy. i didn't have to trust people. there were times when i would trust people but, more often than not, i would be hurt or punished for that risk.
with all of the really bad stuff i'm going through right now, i've been dealing with it...alone. but i'm at a point where that is not working. i'm struggling with trusting myself, my own judgment and discernment and decision-making through all of that stuff. and i'm being forced to trust other people to help. i hate that.
so drew called me out on it. if i remember correctly, he basically said that i am writing my friends off before they have an opportunity to show me support or love, based on those negative past experiences. and he affirmed me in saying that i have friends that love me and want to help, want to be there, and who won't run away like so many others have before them (or who i even pushed away through that aversive mindset).
trusting people. i need to learn to trust people. other people. not myself.
tonight was bad. things were bad. i tried calling home but my parents were not an avenue for discussing anything with depth. and so i called my friend liz. and i lost it, completely. but she was there. and she affirmed me. and she showed me a trust and friendship and love that is unique and that i havent experienced much of before. and she got me through tonight. and for friends like drew and liz, i am extremely grateful. friends who will hear my darkest side, who will see what is beneath my facade, and who will love me and show me grace in spite of that.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
potpourri
lots happening in life right now.
work. i've been working a lot at my part time job at rei. i like it. a lot. it's challenging right now because i dont know all of the equipment we sell, but that will come with time. i figure as long as i weather the storm for awhile, that stuff will come. but i like it. and the paycheck, as not huge as it is, is a very nice benefit and will help my unaffordable education/pasadena life become a little less unaffordable.
music. it's weird. i swear off writing music... and then it all flows to me quickly and powerfully. it's happened time and time again. and its happening again. i've been writing a TON of music. i don't know why or for what intention. but i'm writing and that is cathartic and wonderful for me, at least.
social life. i'm still trying to figure out this issue of love... am i really unable to receive or give love to anyone? it would seem so, at least right now. i dont know mean romantic love, i mean any type of love or affection. it seems like the best way to hurt me right now is to compliment me. how backwards is that? i guess i have a lot to sift through. i desire to become a person who can reverse that dynamic, a person who embraces and lives a life of love to all; i'm just not sure how to get there.
hobbies. i've been hiking a lot again. and i want to try bouldering/climbing a lot more. i've been writing a bit. and writing music, as i mentioned. i find that, given where i'm at socially right now, hobbies are a great thing to invest myself in. call it escapism if you want to; i call it self preservation and a way to keep my head on halfway straight right now.
anyways, that's enough vulnerability to show for one night. then again no one reads this so ok. but yep. gnight.
work. i've been working a lot at my part time job at rei. i like it. a lot. it's challenging right now because i dont know all of the equipment we sell, but that will come with time. i figure as long as i weather the storm for awhile, that stuff will come. but i like it. and the paycheck, as not huge as it is, is a very nice benefit and will help my unaffordable education/pasadena life become a little less unaffordable.
music. it's weird. i swear off writing music... and then it all flows to me quickly and powerfully. it's happened time and time again. and its happening again. i've been writing a TON of music. i don't know why or for what intention. but i'm writing and that is cathartic and wonderful for me, at least.
social life. i'm still trying to figure out this issue of love... am i really unable to receive or give love to anyone? it would seem so, at least right now. i dont know mean romantic love, i mean any type of love or affection. it seems like the best way to hurt me right now is to compliment me. how backwards is that? i guess i have a lot to sift through. i desire to become a person who can reverse that dynamic, a person who embraces and lives a life of love to all; i'm just not sure how to get there.
hobbies. i've been hiking a lot again. and i want to try bouldering/climbing a lot more. i've been writing a bit. and writing music, as i mentioned. i find that, given where i'm at socially right now, hobbies are a great thing to invest myself in. call it escapism if you want to; i call it self preservation and a way to keep my head on halfway straight right now.
anyways, that's enough vulnerability to show for one night. then again no one reads this so ok. but yep. gnight.
Friday, August 21, 2009
betsy mccaughey is nuts and jon stewart shows us why
betsy mccaughey is a politician who radically opposes obama's healthcare bill. there are a couple reasons i find the bill to be suspect, but this woman is absolutely nuts. she is against his bill...because... well i'll just let you watch it. but kudos to jon stewart.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Exclusive - Betsy McCaughey Extended Interview Pt. 1 | ||||
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| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Exclusive - Betsy McCaughey Extended Interview Pt. 2 | ||||
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