i need people

i was talking to my friends drew today at lunch about a lot of heavy stuff and he said something that felt like a snow shovel thwacking me across the face.

i've grown up independently processing things around me.
when a friend or grandparent would die - i figured out by myself how to react.
when i would get in trouble in elementary school (not common though) - i would internally process it.
when i would have problems with family or friends or whatever - i independently assessed the situation.
when i would have a huge test coming up - i learned best by studying alone.
when i was in bands, i was best at songwriting - playing music by myself.
when i felt sad or hurt or embarrassed or ashamed - i came to conclusions on my own, quietly.

i grew up alone. i grew up solitaire. alone = safe. alone = easy. i didn't have to trust people. there were times when i would trust people but, more often than not, i would be hurt or punished for that risk.

with all of the really bad stuff i'm going through right now, i've been dealing with it...alone. but i'm at a point where that is not working. i'm struggling with trusting myself, my own judgment and discernment and decision-making through all of that stuff. and i'm being forced to trust other people to help. i hate that.

so drew called me out on it. if i remember correctly, he basically said that i am writing my friends off before they have an opportunity to show me support or love, based on those negative past experiences. and he affirmed me in saying that i have friends that love me and want to help, want to be there, and who won't run away like so many others have before them (or who i even pushed away through that aversive mindset).

trusting people. i need to learn to trust people. other people. not myself.

tonight was bad. things were bad. i tried calling home but my parents were not an avenue for discussing anything with depth. and so i called my friend liz. and i lost it, completely. but she was there. and she affirmed me. and she showed me a trust and friendship and love that is unique and that i havent experienced much of before. and she got me through tonight. and for friends like drew and liz, i am extremely grateful. friends who will hear my darkest side, who will see what is beneath my facade, and who will love me and show me grace in spite of that.