i'm realizing a lot about myself right now. some good, some difficult, some unsettled, some settles.
one thing i've realized is that i need closure.
i've rarely gotten closure in my life.
i have a lot of open wounds from when i was young that were never cauterized.
i have friendships in my past that disappeared without explanation.
i have friends that have passed away unexpectedly.
or friends that got married and disappeared from everyone.
emotions that never were met with explanation.
confusion.
the need for closure.
i realized some of this today. i've spent the last two and a half months giving my life to some interns at church. these interns chose to help at church this summer and go through this process - not for school credit - but in order to grow closer to God. i was asked to help co-lead devotions a few times a week with another person. however, in order to help mentor, it takes more than a couple hours a week... so i've done my best to hang out with our interns as much as i can before i start to annoy them. i've taught some things, they've taught me some things. i've made some mistakes and they've made some mistakes. but we did life together. and its been awesome.
but now its over. tomorrow is the last day. some of these people i will see in a couple weeks at church; others are going away, disappearing. things won't be the same. and i don't have closure.
things were just getting started... and now they're over. people i felt closer to will return to their old lives, old friends, old habitats and things will never be the same.
i wish things would be the same. i wish i could have consistency with people, with friends, with church, with jobs, with life. i wish i could have something to count on, that isn't shifting sand. this is my prayer to the One who promises to not be shifting sand.
2 comments:
Oh Matt! I hate this feeling of lacking closure... I can totally resonate with what you're saying. This makes me sad that you feel this way. It really did seem like an abrupt ending to an awesome summer. It's seriously so strange to be sitting in my house right now with my parents next to me watching a movie and my sisters in their room playing guitar and singing. It's surreal. I suppose that is unrelated... but it just goes to show the sense of abruptness I feel too.
Things will change this is true, but that is the only thing in life that is consistent. I am just so thankful that I have Oasis to return to, and the interns (minus drew) will still be there. I hope we can still all hang out and be friends! That part doesn't have to end does it? :/ I hope not.
Life would be great without grief, wouldn't it? To never say goodbye. To take everyone with you to the next round. It's hard...and frankly...it sucks...
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