Thursday, March 4, 2010

"i just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands" - anberlin

i went on a hike yesterday. a different hike than usual.
i started at 1100 feet (altitude) and hiked up to about 5300 over about 9 or 10 miles. i filmed some of it, and, because i was filming on and off, i decided to have no music on (because that would cloud the film audio). so...it was basically 9-10 miles of silence and no other people around.

i arrived to san gabriel peak, the mountain i wanted to hike up to. the peak sits at over 6,000 feet tall and is the highest peak in the lower san gabriel mountains. the view is amazing. however, the trails had been destroyed by the rain and fires from the last 7 months. i tried to scramble up a few hundred feet, but, past that, it was really really dangerous and i had to turn back.

on top of that, my knee was hurting. it had been hurting more and more during the first leg of this hike, but now it was on fire and not really bending too easily.

so.

here i am.
dejected and disappointed by being so close to my goal, but not able to attain it.
not being able to film the triumphant end to this film i was shooting.
knee hurting to the point where i need to use my trekking poles as crutches.
alone.
10 miles from the trailhead. no cell phone service. no rangers or other hikers.
and on top of that, the temp has dropped into the 30's, its real windy, storm clouds are coming in, and im sweaty.

i had been praying throughout this hike. i figured it would be nice to take this opportunity to pray. however, now that everything about the hike had pretty much fallen apart, i was praying a bit more desperately, but, even more so, as if to say "ok God, You want my attention, You've got my attention. what are You telling me?"

i felt God saying a lot. some too private for blogging, other parts ok for blogging. as far as the ok parts to post...

i feel God telling me that He is moving me into a season of development. I've been in a place for awhile of recalibration and healing. i'm pretty strong in those areas right now, though, at least i think. i feel God is telling me to invest in people, as one would invest in a financial investment. time and attention are my commodity. what am i spending them on? who am i spending them on? and are these people or things that are making me feel good, feel affirmed, and feel like people that will be with me a year from now? or are these people who may be wonderful people, but who are holding me back, distracting me, or taking a lot more out of me than they give back? i needed to hear this and i think i have some decisions to make, even though i think most of my social dynamics are fairly healthy right now.

i felt Him telling me to forgive. even before a person has realized they've wrong me, i need to be willing to forgive. people aren't perfect and i fully embrace that, but when i feel i've been wronged, i take that pretty hard. i am trying to go beyond that hurt and to ask myself "why did they do that? what caused that?" and to forgive that person, based on the grounds of x+y will yield a result of z, when brought together.

and i feel God telling me to point out the great things of Creation to everyone around me. if i see love, i should point it out. if i see God moving, i should point it out. if i see wonder, i should point it out. this world and this life are such great gifts and opportunities; i don't want to miss them, myself, nor do i want to see people around me miss out on them.

my friend and i talked two days ago at the arcadia arboretum. we talked about how, with school, we tend to see the most significant part of that journey as being the culmination of that work in the graduation ceremony. however, even though that is probably going to be one of the prouder moments of school, the work, the growth, and the journey precedes graduation; the most important part of school, at least to her and i, lies in the steps along the way. perhaps that was the case yesterday with my hike. perhaps God didn't really care if i hiked up that last leg of my trip. perhaps He just wanted to get me the heck away from everything else so i would start listening. i'm listening.

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