i feel so inspired to write music right now. like...its just welling up inside me. and i think i am becoming a much better musician too. thing is... no time. between working too much, church, taking a full load of classes, working out too much, doctor appointments, etc... it is SO hard to find time to write music. :-( hopefully i can start that up soon.
in fact, lately, i feel like i'm figuring a lot out.
* i feel like i'm relearning what it means to live, to interact with people, and to engage with the society around me.
* i feel more confident in my own skin. i have so many dang body issues and insecurities that i fight through. however, last week i realized that i'm actually becoming really well conditioned and fairly strong. all of a sudden, i have biceps, i can see my abs, veins are making themselves known in my arms, and my quads are much more pronounced. when did this happen? this is really cool. i wouldn't say i'm super confident but i noticed that and, well... all i've ever done is punish myself for my physicality. for once, i feel like i'm not ugly enough to make babies cry.
* i feel like i'm learning how to believe that people around me might actually love me and might desire my trust. not everyone... but there are at least a few. again, this is major for me. i struggle with trusting because so many people i've trusted have hurt me, left me, or used me. but i'm relearning how to trust and to accept the fact that i may actually have some qualities that people appreciate; i might actually have value in other peoples' eyes.
nothing in my life is perfect. i wouldn't even say its close to good necessarily. however, it is improved from where i was yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. somehow things are changing and life feels almost worth living.
2 comments:
Matt... can I just take a moment to validate your feelings and say I am so proud of you!?
A few things struck me:
1) I love that you are beginning to realize other people are responsible for their actions that are not dependent upon who you are... like that dumb co-worker of yours... seriously, who does that?!
2) Feeling more comfortable in your own skin... I think that even through all of your struggles with image, the fact that you can see progress that you like... that's wonderful! I have recently reached the 12 lbs mark and I have to say I feel very similarly... it's a great feeling, good for you!
3) and finally, being able to recognize that people "might actually love" you... yes. I am so glad you are seeing this... because there is more truth than you know in what you are saying.
And even while you admit things are far from perfect, I think it's safe to say that there is a lot more perspective standing from where you are. How much more valuable is it for you to recognize these things coming from where you have? And how much more do you think you possibly appreciate it considering that there have moments you have not felt this?
Anyway, sorry I'm so long winded... thank you for sharing this. I'm so happy for your upward journey.
hey matt, remember me? randi's friend from michigan... hey, i just wanted to let you know that I love reading your blog. i think you write so true. i enjoy it greatly and feel like i can relate to you on some level. and i'm super jealous that you're going to Sundance (i saw that on good ol' facebook). :)
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