remember when you were a kid and got a nice scrape or cut on your knee from falling? it hurt. but, over time, a scab formed over that wound and it hurt less. it actually probably felt kinda cool as a hard, crusty scab resembling some sort of dried glue or plastic. but, needless to say, it hurt less.
and then remember the first time you picked a scab? it happens to everyone, you can admit it. you peeled off the brownish-red scab to uncover a light red wound. the fresh air hit it - it breathed once again. it may have bled.
and remember the first time you touched that open wound? even if you didnt touch it with a finger (or if you were a 3rd grade boy, a compass), you probably touched it with a band-aid or something. and it hurt. a lot. a lot more than when the scab was there.
to further it a bit more: image that a scab formed over the wound and there was a rock or pebble in that wound. the wound would somewhat heal, but around the rock that didn't belong there. and it hurt. even though it healed, it hurt. and from time to time, it would get infected. it scarred. i mean, c'mon... there's a rock inside your flesh. that hurts.
that is where i am at. i have had a large scar and rocks/debris inside my flesh for a long time. finally, i am working to eradicate that debris from my life, my body. the past can't be changed or rewritten... but as long as that debris exists in me, my future will be affected by it. so, increasingly over the last few weeks, the scab has been removed and the wound has been reopened. it is breathing. i can feel my pulse in that wound. my very existence has been shaken by the attention called to this wound.
frustratingly, though, nothing has been removed yet. i am just looking at the wound. prodding it. trying to figure out how to move past this wound, how to heal it. the solution that has come out is that i have to feel it, bask in it, immerse myself in this wound. i can't ignore it, because it will just falsely heal again.
so if i am irritable or sensitive lately, that is why. i am bleeding and hurting right now. its a good hurt, its a healthy hurt, but its an extremely painful hurt that i haven't felt the gravity of in a long, long time. and i'm alone. i need to go through it alone. completely alone.
i can really use some prayer if you, the reader, are the praying type. if you're not, i will also simply accept your grace and forgiveness if i seem irritable to you. because i'm not trying to be. honest.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
We will pray. You walk the journey feeling lonely...but you are never alone.
Matt! What a way to express your heart. I am sorry you are having to go through this raw and vulnerable season. Perhaps this is too soon to comment on, but just going along with your analogy of the wound and scab, I can't help but think of the scars that are left behind once those scabs heal... especially if we have picked at them over time during the healing process. but at the same time, I have always been fascinated by scars, they add so much character and tell a story about a time in your life that you might otherwise have forgetten about. I have a few of those, and I really like them actually. So, like I said, maybe it's too soon, but I really like your analogy, and I can't help but believe that while this time is painful, no doubt about that, the person that you are, along with the grace of God, is strong enough to heal, and the scars? Well they just add so much character! If you ever need a listening ear, you know how to reach me.
Post a Comment