Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!

new video

2010-09-13T01:19:00.000-07:00

this is for "heavy" off of my brand new ep "progress progress progress." please watch the video and pick up the ep to support me if you don't mind.

perpetual busyness

2010-07-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

so just as i finished that last quarter of school, ive begun more classes and find myself busy. not on that level but still too busy.
im in 3 different classes right now. its a somewhat intense load. im halfway through one of hte classes though, so i guess that's good.
on the plus side, ive written a new song (finally!) and will be making 2 music videos as part of an independent study im doing this summer. so stay tuned :-)

DONE

2010-06-03T15:15:00.001-07:00

DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!

freaking DONE.

now i can start my next classes.
and recording.
and filmmaking.

good good good.

1

2010-06-01T18:09:00.001-07:00

1 paper remaining. 4 page paper for world religion art and symbol.

let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.
let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.
let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.
let me repeat: 1 paper left for this quarter.

1 more freaking paper.

break from a paper

2010-05-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

two more papers left. im about a third done with the 10 pager. yuck.

so im going to procrastinate a little and blog.

i was on fbook today and looking at people from my past. people from high school, people from past churches, jobs, etc... i really don't hold any hard feelings towards just about anyone from my past. thats a cool realization to come to. there is peace with my past, not that there was ever a ton of disarray or problem with past people.

but i came to another realization: i don't regret my decisions to take a chance on faith and jump into different worlds that may have not made sense. for instance, i chose to leave a strong academic school to go to an easier one in order to pursue more religious and faith-based learning. that was a great growing experience for me personally and even though i may be smarter otherwise, i am a better person for it. and then i looked at my decision to leave my cust. service job and to move out to california and attend seminary/grad school. i have fought with this regret since i left, honestly. i left my friends and a high paying job and security to... move to a bankrupt state, spend tons of money on tuition and rent, and eventually make less than i did in the first place. hardly a lateral move.

at the same time, i am a million times the person for it. i am happier. so much happier. i am stronger. im exactly where i want to be. i work a job that pays under 11 bucks an hour and its the best job i've ever had. i absolutely love working at REI. my research and learning at fuller have been incredible and i've learned so much about the world and gained even more questions in the process. i've met some cool friends, but have secured more permanent friendships. and im prepared better for my future.

i am content. i have no clue what tomorrow holds. maybe i'll work my 10+ dollar an hour job fulltime after graduating...and be happy. whatever happens, i hope i can help people and be content. it looks like that is shaping up to happen.

rock n roll

2010-05-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

world art and symbol class: 1 4 pager, 1 10 pager

so close!

2010-05-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

world art and symbol class: 1 4 pager, 1 10 pager
film class: 2 1 pagers

1 class down!

2010-05-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 2 1 pagers

and smaller

2010-05-20T14:07:00.001-07:00

spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 4 1 pagers

the list gets smaller

2010-05-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 6 1 pagers

they call me paper slayer

2010-05-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

what's left:
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 6 1 pagers, 1 3 pager

gradual progress (thesis totally finished!)

2010-05-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

what's left:
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 6 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

thesis? check.

2010-05-05T02:49:00.000-07:00

thesis done!

what's left:
thesis paper 20-25 pages (you are next, thesis paper!)
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

boom goes the dynamite

2010-05-03T15:30:00.001-07:00

update.
thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

hwork update

2010-04-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

here we go!

thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager, 1 10 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

and here's a little music to celebrate!

i've decided

2010-04-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

to use my blog as a progress report for finishing this darn papers. so many. so here's where we're at as of today:

thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 1 2 pager, 1 5-10 pager, and 1 10 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 8 1 pagers, 1 3 pager, 1 10 page

i wasnt kidding.

2010-04-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

i really have a buttload of papers and projects to do. here's the list to prove it.
thesis - 20-25 pages
thesis project
spiritual disciplines class: 2 2 pagers, 1 5-10 pager, and 1 10 pager
world art and symbol class: 2 4-5 pagers, 1 10 pager
film class: 10 1 pagers, 2 2-3 pagers, 1 10 pager

all due by june. so if i sound crabby or stressed, well... i prob am :-)

oh yeah, ps...thats in addition to putting out this album, workin on a film, and working 15-20 hours a week at my job. awesssssome!

stresssssss

2010-04-19T12:21:00.001-07:00

i am not one to be stressed out. ever. it just isn't part of what i let myself be.

however, i just did the math for the rest of the quarter in my grad school. 25 papers, 104+ pages have to be written by June 11th. Actually a few more papers can be added there too. That's ridiculous.

Music may take a temporary back seat.

music update

2010-04-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

i feel like ive been working so hard on everything lately. school, work, thesis, music, social stuff. its good stuff. really. nothing bad at all. but music has taken a bit more of a backseat. anywho, here's the updated demo list that i'm working with, if you're still paying attention. eta is still early to mid summer hopefully.

you will glow again!
no more tears
hey chicago!
blue and green
my new life
you truly are beautiful
brightness
you sound a lot like summer
heavy
candy hearts
life in color
sarah walker
after the fire

i have a couple more in the hopper and then can start truncating :-) ttyl.

paper on sundance movies and healing

2010-04-08T01:33:00.000-07:00

so i took a class built around the sundance film festival and had to write a final paper, demonstrating the interrelationships between a biblical concept and 3 of the movies i saw. below is that paper, connecting healing and compassion with happythankyoumoreplease, hesher, and the dry land.

***BEWARE OF SPOILERS***

Matt Cavanaugh
Engaging Independent Films Class Final

Healing, As Demonstrated by Independent Cinema and The Book “Compassion”

The healing process is a universal phenomenon that every human being will have to go through at different points in their life. It frustrates, confuses, hurts, surprises, stretches, and, in many cases, strengthens a person to a new level of character. Healing through a grief-stricken time is a common theme in scripture, as evidenced through multiple verses and passages:

LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
– Psalm 30:2 (TNIV)

I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.
– Jeremiah 33:6-7 (TNIV)

Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make them well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
– James 5:14-16 (TNIV)

Likewise, contemporary culture is littered with examples of products and services promising healing, betterment, and improved life. Grief is very often viewed, not as a natural part of growth, but as a state of being that every person must avoid or dash through as quickly as possible. Countless companies advertise their “get better quickly” services in television ads, such as those that promise to deliver retribution and financial success for those who have lost loved ones in job-related accidents (as long as the viewer calls their phone number as soon as possible!). Cinema has jumped onto this bandwagon, as well, as evidenced in countless movies that depict characters going from heartbreak to healed within a very short duration. One example of that can be seen in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where a guy’s fiancée dumps him, but he is out with another girl within a couple weeks.
However, there are also many examples in cinema that depict grief and healing as a natural, vital process in recovery and sanctification, where grieving is difficult, but beneficial. Three movies from this year’s Sundance Film Festival do an excellent job depicting grief and healing: Hesher, happythankyoumoreplease, and the Dry Land. They demonstrate the different factors of the healing process; factors of assistance, impairment, distraction, etc…
The healing process can be a nebulous and confusing entity. The book Compassion by Donald P. McNeill, Douglas A. Morrison, and Henri Nouwen adds a lot of structure and understanding to such a complicated issue, and helps to clearly relate a biblical version of compassion and healing to the modern world, including cinema.

Compassion
McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen spend much of their time in Compassion focusing on how much God values each and every human being. On page 15, they write, “God wants to know our condition fully and does not want to take away any pain which he himself has not fully tasted. His compassion is anchored in the most intimate solidarity, a solidarity that allows us to say with the psalmist, ‘This is our God, and we are the people he pastures, the flock that he guides.’” Every single person is a valued, treasured child of the God that created the Heavens and the Earth. Therefore, every person ought to be treated as such by every person they encounter. This includes the hurting, the difficult to be around, the handicapped, the diseased, the poor, and the undesirable. Everyone is desirable in God’s eyes and it is imperative that everyone is constantly reminded of that remarkably high sense of worth. The most obvious example of God’s compassion for humankind can be seen in how He came down to Earth and endured immense suffering (17).
At the same time, it must be stated that God does not necessarily desire to cure everyone of everything, but to partake in our sufferings with us so that we can learn and grow from that pain before we fully complete that journey of suffering. Through this process and through witnessing God’s compassion first-hand, we are able to become fuller, stronger people (18). God’s compassion is the motivational impetus for progress and growth. God’s compassion makes it possible to, not only get through a struggle, but to actually benefit from that challenging, painful process.
Compassion was demonstrated through Jesus, on one front, through His willing community and servanthood with the hurting. It is almost entirely necessary for people who are suffering to have someone around them, in order to feel understood and cared for. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen state:
Jesus’ whole life and mission involve accepting powerlessness and revealing in this powerlessness the limitlessness of God’s love. Here we see what compassion means. It is not a bending toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not a reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull. On the contrary, compassion means going directly to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. (27)

During the grieving and hurting processes, people want to know that they are not alone. They need to feel understood on some level, but, much more importantly, they need to feel accompanied by someone who cares. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen call this way of servanthood “Our Second Nature” and they believe that all of humankind should set out to make this a natural way of life (30).
Simultaneously, it is necessary for a hurting person to, not just feel not alone, but to feel that they belong somewhere. This can refer to a place or an activity but always must include a community of people, who patiently and compassionately receive each other, and who share commonness. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen state:
Many very generous Christians find themselves increasingly tired and dispirited not so much because the work is hard or the success slight, bu because they feel isolated, unsupported, and left alone. People who say, ‘I wonder if anyone cares what I am doing. I wonder if my superior, my friends at home, or the people who sent me ever think about me, ever pray for me, ever consider me part of their lives,’ are in real spiritual danger. We are able to do so many hard things, tolerate many conflicts, overcome many obstacles, and persevere under many pressures, but when we no longer experience ourselves as part of a caring, supporting, praying community, we quickly lose faith… Without a sense of being sent by a caring community, a compassionate life cannot last long and quickly degenerates into a life marked by numbness and anger (61).

No matter how strong the person may be or how resilient one may be, belonging will always be something required for a healthy process of growth and recovery.
Affirmation is yet another supportive construct in a paradigm of healing. As previously mentioned, every human is valuable in the eyes of God. However, that can be convoluted for a variety a reasons, and that person can forget that. It is incredibly healthy and helpful to have a person interrupt that forgetful time through affirming the hurting and grieving, and, in fact, everyone needs to be reminded of their value regularly. Without affirmation, it is easy for someone going through the healing process to feel burdensome, when, in reality, they are not only valued, but probably edifying people in countless ways. McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen also suggest that, when a person is in a low, dark place and they realize they still have the capability of blessing others with their gifts in that time, a shift takes place, whereby they realize their value is not contingent upon confidence or circumstances, but, instead, by a deep, authentic, inherent identity and giftedness (79). In other terms, when a person realizes that they can give back to people, it enhances their sense of belonging and renews a sense of purpose and value.
The third and final part of Compassion focuses on patience as being a core component of healing. This concept applies to everyone, but actually is discussed in this book more in terms of the patience of communities surrounding the grieving and hurting. Grief is ugly and painful. To receive people in distress, it requires patience much of the time. No matter how understanding a person may be, they will always be tested in the discipline of patience to some extent (91). Furthermore, patience is required by the suffering person, as McNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen proclaim:
Patience requires us to go beyond the choice between fleeing or fighting. It is the third and most difficult way. It calls for discipline because it goes against the grain of our impulses. Patience involves staying with it, living it through, listening carefully to what presents itself to us here and now. Patience means stopping on the road when someone in pain needs imemediate attention. Patience means overcoming the fear of a controversial subject. It means paying attention to shameful memories and searching for forgiveness without having to forget. It means welcoming sincere criticism and evaluating changing conditions. In short, patience is a willingness to be influenced even when this requires giving up control and entering into unknown territory (93).

Patience is required in order to have the bravery and strength to go into that dark place of suffering and not turn around and run away, as many people may be naturally tempted to do. In order to thoroughly and completely get through pain, people need to find that place, sit in it, familiarize themselves with it, understand it, and get through it versus around it.
Finally, it is necessary for people to celebrate. This is one of the last phases of grieving, but is important. People need to celebrate their journey through difficult circumstances. Celebration differs from affirmation in that it, not only affirms who the person is, but also calls attention to their journey through an uphill battle. It says, “Things are getting better!” and “Look at how far you have come!” It calls attention to the fact that the worst seems to be over (100). It allows for a suffering person to allow himself or herself permission to finally breathe. And it allows for closure to begin taking effect. Closure is vital throughout a period of suffering.

Hesher
Hesher is a sometimes funny, sometimes intensely dramatic, and always crass movie about a father, Paul Forney, and his son, TJ, who are grieving the death of their wife/mom. TJ is a young kid, who is constantly picked on at his school. He receives little support at home from his father, who is traumatized and emotionally paralyzed. However, things change when Hesher, a ne’er-do-well who smokes pot and lives in a van, decides to move into their house uninvited. Hesher’s character is incredibly crass and confusing. Sometimes he sticks up for TJ; other times Hesher is a bane to TJ. Nonetheless, Hesher’s presence in the life of TJ and Paul interrupts the paralysis that has gripped their family for two months, and his presence ends up providing the catalyst for their recovery and healing.
Many of the principles suggested in Compassion are evident in Hesher. TJ feels devalued and alone throughout much of Hesher. No one ever stands up for him or makes him feel a sense of belonging or even value. However, there is a scene where he first meets Natalie Portman’s character, Nicole, where Nicole stands up for TJ against a bully. This is a vast contrast to what TJ is used to and affects him on many levels. He becomes attached to Nicole and acts much more comfortable around her as the movie unfolds; TJ feels understood and safe with Nicole.
Hesher’s character is a dynamic one. On one hand, he impairs TJ’s course of grieving; he picks on him, calls him names, and gets him in trouble with several people. However, on the other hand, Hesher also stands up for TJ, encourages him to get past what is hurting him, and even offers affirmation towards TJ. There is one part where TJ kicks Hesher, because Hesher got TJ in trouble. Instead of being angry, Hesher affirms TJ’s standing up for himself.
Hesher offers many of the same positive and negative moments to TJ’s dad, Paul. He has countless moments of chastising Paul for sitting on the couch all day long. Towards the end of the movie, Hesher is picking on TJ, and largely in response to Hesher’s criticism towards Paul, Paul stands up for TJ. The movie ends with TJ and Paul celebrating the life of their mother/grandmother through pushing her coffin through the streets (in response to her constant offer to go for a walk with them around the block). The ending is offbeat, undoubtedly, but demonstrates a sense of closure, realization, and celebration, suggesting that Paul and TJ were able to move through the grieving process and, in addition, achieve a much stronger father-son bond through that turmoil.

happythankyoumoreplease
happythankyoumoreplease is one of the rare optimistic films that premiered at Sundance. In the midst of dark films loaded with death, extreme pain, and pessimism, happythankyoumoreplease was a breath of fresh air for an emotionally fatigued Sundance audience. In New York City, three different love stories unfold: one with a struggling editor, Sam, and a waitress, Mississippi; one with a young couple, Charlie and Mary Catherine, who are fearful of commitment; and, finally, one between Annie, a woman who has alopecia and struggles with confidence, and Sam #2, a nerdy office person who loves Annie. This movie is filled with compassion and love. It is very obvious that the characters in it love each other, through their words and the selfless deeds they do for each other. But the easiest part to highlight regarding grief and healing is the story between Sam #2 and Annie.
Annie suffers from alopecia, an autoimmune disease that leaves her incapable of growing hair on her body. She feels alone and ugly, because of this condition, and makes destructive decisions in response to her lack of confidence, including briefly rekindling a hurtful relationship from her past. Sam #2, on the other hand, is a geeky lawyer, who works in the same building as Annie. He loves her and admires her, but she refuses to accept his love for the majority of the movie. In one scene, she is weeping, but, when Sam #2 tries to be compassionate and helpful by asking her what is wrong, she meets this request with animosity and refuses to talk about it. In another scene, Sam #2 is taking pictures around the office and asks her to pose; predictably, she refuses to pose, but he takes these photos anyways. When Annie feels like she is at her breaking point, she arrives at her cubicle to find the pictures Sam #2 took of her, and they are funny and depict her as being incredibly beautiful. Finally, towards the end of the movie, Annie allows Sam #2 to take her out to dinner. At dinner, she mentions how ugly she feels and Sam #2 pours his heart out to her, showering her with praise and affirmation, on a beautiful level that left the majority of the Sundance audience choked up. Not only does Sam #2 want Annie to realize that he loves her – he wants her to love herself and to see herself as beautiful and worthwhile.
Annie’s biggest struggle is with feeling valued. She has some helpful community around her, but there isn’t a strong sense of empathy or even understanding towards what she goes through on a daily basis with her alopecia. Sam #2 offers her the patience that Compassion says is necessary for healing; he gives her time and understanding. He also offers her empathy, through his declaration that he doesn’t fit into normal society either, due to his nerdiness. In return, Annie warms up to him and is eventually able to begin receiving the words that Sam #2 has to offer her. On top of that, Sam #2 celebrates Annie’s beauty and character growth with her through his affirmation of her. Annie realizes that she has met a person that seems to understand a lot of what she is going through and who desires to understand her more – and he will find her beautiful, no matter how she views herself.

The Dry Land
The Dry Land is a movie about an American solider who returns from Iraq to find himself afflicted with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). James is a person who has devoted multiple years of serving his country through the armed services. He is excited to be reunited with his wife, Sarah, his best friend, Michael, and his mother, among many others. However, it doesn’t take long for James to realize something is different about himself and his past life; he feels disconnected and struggles with nightmares, tantrums, and flashbacks. He finds solace in taking a trip with his former squadron friends, who are going through similar struggles. James finds himself best able to connect with those former brothers-in-arms, and has trouble connecting with his family and peers. He seeks help through a few different means, but nothing seems to help. At the climax of the movie, the final scene, James contemplates suicide, but is able to decide against that, based upon receiving a sense of empathy from his dog, as well as his loving and very understanding wife. The Dry Land is a movie that projects a sense of grieving that is hard for its audience to shake, but, at the same time, creates a very realistic empathy for the main character, James.
The most obvious correlations that can be drawn between Compassion and the Dry Land are through James’ community. His friend Michael, his wife Sarah, and his mother love him, in spite of his painful and disruptive psychosis. He physically attacks James and Sarah at different points through the movie, but they still embody understanding and love, even if they are unable to be around him. Furthermore, James’ mother proclaims her love for him, telling him that she will love him, despite what he may have done to other people in the war. She makes it clear that her love for him is not contingent upon his actions or shortcomings, but because of his inherent value to her. His mother doesn’t even understand what James has gone through, but her proclamation of love and patience to him is enough to sustain him in some ways. This is a major point that should not be overlooked or ignored.
James also experiences healing through his interactions with Henry and Ray, two people who served alongside him in Iraq. They, both, are also experiencing similar symptoms of grief and pain. Through their mutual grief, the three vets are able to share the truest form of empathy possible; something that James is not able to receive from his family and friends back in Texas.
The movie ends on a somber but realistic note. James comes to the realization that he is broken and needs a lot of help getting past his trauma from the warm. At the same time, he also learns to accept the support and love people around him were trying to offer all along – the love that, like Annie in happythankyoumoreplease, he had been unable to accept, prior. The Dry Land ends at a point in the middle of James’ grieving process, which leaves the viewer feeling like thing are unresolved on one hand but that there is progress and reason for optimism on the other hand.

Conclusion
These three films are “secular” and not being viewed as “religious” or “Christian.” At the same time, similar to the Detweiler and Crouch books that we have read this quarter, it can be said that these movies do, in fact, have spiritual significance and do convey God’s Will in some ways. Our world is hurting in so many ways and, as Christians who are trying to engage with the rest of the world, we ought to be excited at any opportunity to proclaim the Gospel to culture in such a way that they may understand better.
In our project outline, we were instructed to suggest some way to implement the concept of this paper into some sort of practice. I think it would be a wonderful thing to begin a healing ministry that uses film and media to help people along. The healing and support groups I have been a part of usually use honest dialogue and scripture as the catalyst for their healing. However, there is something special and empathetic about seeing parts of our own story demonstrated through the arts, especially motion pictures, and I believe that can create a pathway to healing for people who may not engage in dialogue as easily as some other people. Furthermore, a ministry or group such as that would break down that barrier of “secular” and “Christian.” It would help people understand that God can work through everything for His purpose, and would ultimately bring healing and clarity to many people who need it.

:-o

2010-03-29T13:55:00.001-07:00

can things get any better right now?

me not think so.

love

2010-03-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

had a conversation with someone recently about love.

i like love.

our conversation revolved around the question of what is proper love and what is society's version of love. i will elaborate.

1. there is society's version of love. as a guy, this is very emotion based. it's about having the BEST and the BEST LOOKING and someone who is CONSTANTLY EXCITING and ALWAYS ADVENTUROUS. from what i can see, men in movies who would be very lovable are the ones who are very free spirited and adventurous, always thinking up new things to do each day.

and then i ask... really?! is there any way for a person to live up to all of that? there is only one best looking person in the whole world. there will always be someone who is more X and better Y. these are impossible standards to meet up to. there has to be something more.

2. then there's proper love. if what we see on tv is next to impossible to meet up to, there has to be a different type of love. so here's my suggestion. perhaps "best" is a highly relative term. perhaps it refers to inspiring security and comfort. perhaps feeling inclined to sacrifice anything for the other person is love. perhaps it isn't about sparks constantly flying but, instead, maintaining a fire that has sparks shoot out of it every once in awhile. and perhaps its about forgiveness and grace, desiring to forgive and offer grace to the other person, despite just about anything they could do. and communication. not everyone can communicate with everyone on an outstanding level. perhaps when that is found, it is something to hold onto. and perhaps all these things lead up to the "best."

i dunno. i'm just saying.

!

2010-03-19T17:11:00.001-07:00

i'm impressed... like a waffle!

in exile

2010-03-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

thrice - in exile (inspired by matthew 6)
I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know, one day well see face to face

I am a nomad, a wanderer
I have nowhere to lay my head down
There's no point in putting roots too deep when I'm moving on
Not settling for this unsettling town

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

I am a pilgrim, a voyager
I wont rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived
Where they'll be no pain or tears anymore

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

:-)

2010-03-17T01:02:00.001-07:00

life is good right now.
that's all for now.
thanks.
:-)

tony hale

2010-03-12T14:55:00.001-08:00

so tony hale came to have a q & a session with some of us at fuller. it was a great, honest, vulnerable time, and made me think an awful lot.

but one thing he said stuck out.

"if you don't practice contentment where you're at, you won't have it when you get to where you want to be." (paraphrased)

if you don't practice contentment
where (present place)
you're at (NOW! in any situation!),

you won't have it
when (future time)
you get to
where (future place)
you want to be (aspiration)

how's that for a kick in the pants?

simmering

2010-03-10T14:27:00.001-08:00

things simmering on my griddle of a mind today (pun!):

1. stacey schwenker sent me this brilliant LOST blog: http://neverseenlost.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/episode-7-of-the-final-season-of-lost/#more-91 SUPER FUNNY! Thanks Stace!

2. i really enjoy cooking. i don't do it enough. but man, its fun. i really like being creative and just inventing stuff. putting my favorite things all together and seeing how they work together. and i really like cooking for others. guess it works well with my "acts of service" love language thing.

3. ran about a 7 minute mile yesterday, and didn't have knee pain. this makes me really happy.

4. writing tons of music. TONS!

5. i cleaned my room two night ago. it feels so nice to have a clean room.

6. i miss some friends from home. miss you guys, for rizzles. hope to come home over the summer for a little bit.

peace out for now.

. . . . .

2010-03-08T11:55:00.000-08:00

my friend katie has been blogging from india. you can read her blog here.

it's been heartbreaking and amazing to read about her journey over there. there is so much poverty and injustice there, and yet there is also hope. katie has done a good job conveying that through her blog and it makes me wish so badly that i was there to help out or do something. at the same time, its awesome to see God using her in a tough place. if you ever want to see a creative and beautiful blog, check that one out.

another blog of note is my friend laura's blog. she just wrote a cool one on dating and what it is and isn't. hit home a little bit and brought some things to light. check it out here.

i've been writing more music. specifically, i've been spending a lot of time on "after the fire has burned out," a song that is almost 9 minutes long. i met with a friend of mine on saturday night for some assistance with it. she was a classical music composition minor in undergrad and gave me all sorts of great pointers on how to arrange things and not arrange things.

otherwise, that's life right now. music, school, work. my knee is healing up from last week and i hope to do a good hike tomorrow. maybe something like henniger flats, an 8 to 10-er, just to make sure the knee is ok again.

but life is good and i am trying to become stronger and better at it. ttfn.

bucket list revisited

2010-03-06T14:59:00.000-08:00

i made a bucketlist last summer. here it is again, with revisions.
so i'm a young 28...probably not super close to dying. however, i've decided to make a bucket list. at the expense of sounding selfish, these are things that i would love to experience or partake in, in no particular order:

1. live in another country at some point
2. write a book
3. write a congregational worship cd
4. run a marathon
5. finish a triathalon
6. cross the san gabriel mountains on foot
7. reach 10% body fat
8. surf
9. invent something
10. start a family
11. teach a class
12. start a church
13. open an art gallery
14. reach a point where i have zero negative impact on the environment
15. ride/own a motorcycle
16. climb/hike mount whitney
17. climb to 20,000 feet
18. scuba dive
19. reach a point where most of my money is being given away regularly
20. see a taping of conan obrien (CHECK)
21. get an mft degree
22. get a doctorate in something
23. go back to australia and new zealand
24. live on a farm
25. climb mount hood
26. whitewater raft
27. release a full length solo album (CHECK)
28. write an 8+ minute song (CHECK)
29. reach a point where everyone around me knows i love them
30. write a feature length film script
31. ski
32. produce another person's album
33. finish the 8000m challenge (go up gorgonio, jacinto, and baldy in a day)
34. run a sub 6:00 mile
35. preach a sermon

"i just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands" - anberlin

2010-03-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

i went on a hike yesterday. a different hike than usual.
i started at 1100 feet (altitude) and hiked up to about 5300 over about 9 or 10 miles. i filmed some of it, and, because i was filming on and off, i decided to have no music on (because that would cloud the film audio). so...it was basically 9-10 miles of silence and no other people around.

i arrived to san gabriel peak, the mountain i wanted to hike up to. the peak sits at over 6,000 feet tall and is the highest peak in the lower san gabriel mountains. the view is amazing. however, the trails had been destroyed by the rain and fires from the last 7 months. i tried to scramble up a few hundred feet, but, past that, it was really really dangerous and i had to turn back.

on top of that, my knee was hurting. it had been hurting more and more during the first leg of this hike, but now it was on fire and not really bending too easily.

so.

here i am.
dejected and disappointed by being so close to my goal, but not able to attain it.
not being able to film the triumphant end to this film i was shooting.
knee hurting to the point where i need to use my trekking poles as crutches.
alone.
10 miles from the trailhead. no cell phone service. no rangers or other hikers.
and on top of that, the temp has dropped into the 30's, its real windy, storm clouds are coming in, and im sweaty.

i had been praying throughout this hike. i figured it would be nice to take this opportunity to pray. however, now that everything about the hike had pretty much fallen apart, i was praying a bit more desperately, but, even more so, as if to say "ok God, You want my attention, You've got my attention. what are You telling me?"

i felt God saying a lot. some too private for blogging, other parts ok for blogging. as far as the ok parts to post...

i feel God telling me that He is moving me into a season of development. I've been in a place for awhile of recalibration and healing. i'm pretty strong in those areas right now, though, at least i think. i feel God is telling me to invest in people, as one would invest in a financial investment. time and attention are my commodity. what am i spending them on? who am i spending them on? and are these people or things that are making me feel good, feel affirmed, and feel like people that will be with me a year from now? or are these people who may be wonderful people, but who are holding me back, distracting me, or taking a lot more out of me than they give back? i needed to hear this and i think i have some decisions to make, even though i think most of my social dynamics are fairly healthy right now.

i felt Him telling me to forgive. even before a person has realized they've wrong me, i need to be willing to forgive. people aren't perfect and i fully embrace that, but when i feel i've been wronged, i take that pretty hard. i am trying to go beyond that hurt and to ask myself "why did they do that? what caused that?" and to forgive that person, based on the grounds of x+y will yield a result of z, when brought together.

and i feel God telling me to point out the great things of Creation to everyone around me. if i see love, i should point it out. if i see God moving, i should point it out. if i see wonder, i should point it out. this world and this life are such great gifts and opportunities; i don't want to miss them, myself, nor do i want to see people around me miss out on them.

my friend and i talked two days ago at the arcadia arboretum. we talked about how, with school, we tend to see the most significant part of that journey as being the culmination of that work in the graduation ceremony. however, even though that is probably going to be one of the prouder moments of school, the work, the growth, and the journey precedes graduation; the most important part of school, at least to her and i, lies in the steps along the way. perhaps that was the case yesterday with my hike. perhaps God didn't really care if i hiked up that last leg of my trip. perhaps He just wanted to get me the heck away from everything else so i would start listening. i'm listening.

taking a picture

2010-03-01T23:42:00.000-08:00

what happens when you try to take a pic but your camera is in video mode?

this:

film

2010-03-01T14:38:00.001-08:00

realized today in class that i really really like doing film. im hoping to film my hike on wednesday and to make a short film from that. it also gives me something to score, which is exciting!

and the ever-changing list of songs for the full length right now goes like this:
sarah walker
the question remains
blue and green
my new life
heavy
open your eyes
you will glow again
brightness
candy hearts
tomorrow
what i wish i could say
summer
life in color
chicago

of course, im writing more and more and 86ing songs as new songs come up that i perceive as better, but there is definite progress on that front. hooray!

i will celebrate this goodness with an snl short :-)

concert

2010-02-27T01:19:00.000-08:00

just saw we were promised jetpacks and the lonely forest in concert. wow. inspiring to say the least. my creative mind was going nuts watching this show. wow.

stretched

2010-02-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

i feel stretched.

i feel like one part of me is being taken by church, one for school, one for work, one for music, one for friends, one for other social situations, one for redeeming some past situations... and then there's the need for spending myself on God, personal time, working out, etc.

i'm good at doing this usually. really, i'm good. i can compartmentalize fairly effectively. but lately, the last couple weeks especially, i've gone to crap. i double booked myself on something recently. i NEVER double book myself on anything.

so what is the solution? ought i drop someone or something? give less to everything? or perhaps feeling like a rubberband is normal and i should just get used to it.

either way, its taking its toll on me.

marriage

2010-02-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

thinking about asking either tegan or sara to marry me. any opinions on that? which one should i ask? let's take a vote.
then again, to take a vote, i'd need readers of this blog, of which there are none. so...
any votes?
jimmy: sara!
megan: tegan!
bob: totally tegan!
chris: i don't care, i'm hungry. i vote for clif bars.
natalie: sara is way cute.
fernando: tegan all the way.
helga: sara has a cooler hair style.

so tabbing up the votes, we have 3 for sara and 3 for tegan and 1 for clif bars. this will take more consideration than anticipated.

gr

2010-02-23T23:46:00.001-08:00

i just destroyed all my pillowcases, threw all my clothes and blankets against the wall, and speed walked about a mile and a half in like 6 minutes.

i'm angry like once a decade. so i guess this feeling won't hit again til 2020.

expression

2010-02-22T14:27:00.001-08:00

i feel that when i hear some songs, they express my heart better than i can.

inspiration

2010-02-15T15:57:00.000-08:00

i've been doing this music video thing for the last week. today i was able to show the rough cut to a group of people (my grad class) and get some reaction. most of it is pretty solid and the things that can be improved are small fixes. so yay.

throughout this process, i've found myself loving this whole video thing. not necessarily the camera part or that sort of thing...but the idea part. and i think i have some other good ideas. so perhaps i'll make another video. or 5. :-)

anyways, this clip always gets me amped up. its for the amazing mutemath video for typical and shows how they made it. so good.

music video!

2010-02-11T19:14:00.000-08:00

i've begun shooting and editing the music video for candy hearts. the video is built around love; my goal is to depict love through other peoples' stories, so as to leave the viewer with a sense and desire to reiterate that love through actions. i'm stoked. can't wait to show it to everyone and to see the effect it can have!

top 10 favorite songs of all time

2010-02-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

was challenged to try to make this list. its not an easy one, because i like tons of music. but here's my best shot (in no order).

1. straylight run - existentialism on prom night
2. explosions in the sky - your hand in mine
3. william fitzsimmons - please don't go
4. jimmy eat world - goodbye skye harbor
5. sigur ros - hoppipolla (and hoppipolla afterbuk)
6. jawbreaker - basilica
7. christie front drive - bag
8. thrice - cold hearts, colder cash
9. underoath - too bright to see, too loud to hear
10. weezer - only in dreams

show!

2010-02-06T01:27:00.001-08:00

tomorrow. haven't played a show in like 9 months. a little nervous. but itll rock. so much stuff to do before then.
i better see you all there tomorrow.

sundance movie reviews

2010-02-04T01:12:00.000-08:00

ok friends. i promised to post reviews of the movies i saw at sundance. so below, thats what's up. lemme know your thoughts or agreements or disagreements!

1. The Temptation of St. Tony
The Temptation of St. Tony is a movie that chronicles the war between good and evil within people. Tony, the protagonist, is a good person who is forced to endure really terrible things: his wife leaves him after cheating on him, he is forced to unfairly fire all of the workers he manages, he is laughed at by the police when reporting a pile of bodies that he witnessed in the woods, etc… As the movie goes on, things go from bad to worse, culminating in a bizarre ending, where Tony ends up as the last person remaining in the world – and he is forced by the devil to eat his girlfriend, demonstrating Tony’s succumbing to evil and, thus, dooming all of humanity as unable to resist becoming evil.
This movie tries to be deeper than it really is. I feel that the cinematography was great and the acting was sufficient. Besides that, this movie was overly artistic, to the point that it failed to make it’s point. Furthermore, the author’s view on humanity as inevitably doomed by its greed and lust is convoluted and lost amongst all of the overproduction of this film. Also, the only character I ever cared about was Tony, and even then it was very little. Zero stars. Just not a good, thought out movie. It felt like Rocky Horror Picture Show meets I Am Legend, but in Estonian subtitles. I feel that this point has been more clearly made in movies like Jurassic Park.

2. Animal Kingdom
Animal Kingdom was one of my favorite movies at Sundance. Animal Kingdom takes place in Australia. J, the main character, is a high school aged kid, whose mom overdoses on drugs and kills herself. His father is no longer in the picture, so he is forced to move in with his grandma, whom he hardly knows. While at his grandma’s house, he becomes better acquainted with his uncles, and he learns that their occupation is dangerous and criminal. J becomes trapped between staying loyal to his family and keeping with his well-natured roots. As the movie goes on, his family also begins to turn on him, but he still tries to maintain that aforementioned loyalty to them by not talking to the police and by assisting them in some of their criminal acts.
This movie was perfectly done. The story is compelling, the acting is great, the cinematography is wonderful, and the music is brilliant. It raises the question, at least for me, regarding loyalty: when we know that our loved ones are doing wrong, how loyal should we be? This also pertains to faith; I struggle at times with how to always be perfectly blameless in the eyes of my friends and family and to maintain that loyalty and positive image when I know that God is calling me to say or do something that they may not like. Furthermore, when faced with that possibility, J’s family turn out to not be very supportive after all, and all he is left with are his convictions.

3. Obselidia
Obselidia flat out sucked. It was an awful movie that lacked direction, was poorly scripted, and featured characters that I didn’t care about in any way. George is a character who collects obsolete things. He is set in the past and, ironically (but not too ironically) ends up becoming obsolete himself. However, he meets a woman who opens up his heart to love and life and he learns a new way of life, that awakens him from his dormancy. At least theoretically it does.
I found myself not cheering for this character at all. Furthermore, I absolutely hated the screenwriter’s neandering polemics, built around saving the environment and whether love exists or not. It seemed like the author had all of this stuff to say, and she created characters to say it for her… but she neglected to install any sort of empathy or interest in the characters and story. Also, the music composition in this was pretty lame and just did not work for me.
I do appreciate how this film made me feel inspired to make sure I’m not obsolete or stuck in the past, however. This is something that seems imperative in the bible for all of God’s followers; the need to be living, moving through the world, and not so over-focused on the past but the present and future.

4. 12th and Delaware
12th and Delaware is a documentary that portrays the struggle between a planned parenthood and abortion center, which are across the street from one another. Interesting premise, poor documentary. For one, the filmmakers chose a relatively normal abortion center staff to showcase, and yet they chose some of the nuttiest Christians around to highlight. I know it is not the documentary-makers’ faults that these Christians are nuts and that they’re the only protestors there; however, it is misrepresentative of much of the Christian population that I know, and I felt sick watching much of this film.
On the positive side of things, I felt touched and challenged to figure out some sort of action, as a Christian, regarding sustainable help to people who are considering abortion. I believe and advocate for the sanctity of life and I am very pro-life in my ideology. However, hearing about the different situations that some of the prospective abortion-cliental were caught in – I am not totally sure that their babies would be born into a healthy situation. Furthermore, it seems that the Church isn’t involved enough in helping people in these situations, and that ought to change. The war seems to be, not just about abortion or not abortion, but also in supporting parents’ various situations so young parents do not feel so alone and helpless and without any other options.

5. the Dry Land
This movie completely floored me. For one, the performances were amazing, especially from Ryan O’Nan and Jason Ritter. Secondly, the direction was wonderful and the movie had a good balance of artistic but raw and real. And finally and most importantly, the story was touching and hit home for many people, including me.
I have many people who are close to me that deal with severe PTSD. I have struggled with the question of what to do about these people. I like them but I don’t know how to connect with them at all and that frustrates me. Furthermore, they are not able to seek help because the military teaches that doing so is a sign of weakness. Actually, coming home after Sundance, I talked to one of these people who I usually can’t connect with in any way. I recommended that he see this movie when it comes out and he actually seemed interested in doing that. It is really cool to see God working through movies to bring about redemption in ways that otherwise probably would not be possible.

6. Nowhere Boy
This movie was about John Lennon’s years as a rebellious teen. It was, overall, well written, acted, and put together. The story had good flow and prompted me to take interest in John Lennon, even though I normally do not really care much at all for the Beatles. Plus the music was great, and that is something really draws me in.
However, the movie has proven to be fairly forgettable. There was nothing really wrong with this movie, but I do not really feel edified or affected from watching this. John Lennon went through a lot as a teen, but most of it was perpetuated by himself. I can’t really think of any major resolution Lennon came to by the end of the movie, outside of his newfound love for his aunt. I struggled to find any sort of spiritual epiphany or realization in this movie, and honestly, I don’t really think John Lennon had to overcome much to become the star he became.

7. Hesher
Hesher was insulting, perverted, offensive, morally-reprehesive, harsh, crass, and absolutely brilliant. Hesher enters into the lives of a shattered family and turns everything upside down. However, this isn’t such a bad thing. Their lives were so stagnant and shell-shocked and they needed someone to cut through them like a knife. Hesher’s crass dialogue and actions were effective in showing the level of disruption needed to interrupt such a stalled, stagnant paradigm.
Cinematically, the only thing I have to complain about is a bit of the inconsistent coloration from scene to scene and the miscast Natalie Portman, who, for once, did not really do a good job in her role. She acted like a blander version of her character from Garden State.
However, this movie really affected me, especially with the final scene. I think that sometimes we need a Hesher in our life, in order to move past an obstacle, may it be spiritual or whatever else in nature. Furthermore, I believe that God sends us Heshers in various forms to push us closer to Him. Romans 5 talks about suffering and grief as being wonderful gifts, in that they result in strength and better awareness of God’s grace. However, sometimes we can become stuck in these situations and we need something to push us along, whether it be up/improvement or down/negatively. Movement is better than no movement at all.

8. Buried
Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes. That pretty much sums this up. He plays a person who has been buried in a coffin in the middle of the Iraqi desert. The only things in his coffin are a lighter and cell phone. Therefore, he essentially has 90 minutes to figure out a way to get out of the coffin.
The movie is simplistic and I find that to be the joy of it. Hitchcock would be proud of a movie like this. Reynolds is a effective in his role; he is able to display his well-appreciated sarcasm, but also shows a powerful dramatic side that is not often seen in his movies.
I found myself envisioning what I would do in his position. Would I proclaim my love to all of my loved ones, using that cell phone? Would I try to save myself and burn away those minutes that could be spent calling people and saying goodbye to them? Or would I freeze up and not be able to do anything? What I found myself believing is that, even though I am not in a box (obviously), I only have limited minutes on this planet. Ought I spend so much time preserving myself or should I be spending more time loving the people around me? The coffin acts as a microcosm to something much bigger – life – and poses questions about the purpose of existing and what we all ought to value with our time.

9. happythankyoumoreplease
Favorite movie at Sundance, no contest. This is the one movie I wanted to see and it exceeded my expectations. John Radnor’s script is beautiful. Sure, it has a couple clichés and a bit of dragging, but, overall, it showcases three beautiful, realistic tales of love that hit right to the core of the viewer. It’s basically Love Actually meets Garden State, and I am totally ok with that.
The acting is great. The filming is wonderful. The setting was perfect. This movie left myself and all of my friends feeling good. Like, really good. Sometimes, I will leave a movie feeling that post-laughter rush of hormones (ie how I felt with Hesher). However, this movie made my soul feel warmed and good. It gave me hope that there is true love in this world and that people are naturally good with good intentions (eat that Karl Barth!). Situationally, it can be difficult to live this out or to stay on track, but, through being real and communal, we can succeed in finding love and being loved.

10. Bhutto
I went into Bhutto with a bad attitude. I had seen happythankyoumoreplease before Bhutto and I did not want any movie to ruin the feeling I had from that movie, especially a movie that would obviously end in the murder of the protagonist. However, I was actually blown away by this movie. Previously, I had no clue of how important Bhutto was or the relationship between her family and the fight for democracy in Pakistan. Also, I’d had no idea just how badly the USA perpetuated a grim situation in Pakistan. I felt ashamed of my country, but, at the same time, encouraged to see someone like Benizir Bhutto stand up for her rights and for other peoples’ rights.
This movie was touching in so many ways. The biggest way was that it showed me a real life hero. Bhutto bravely gave her life up for the betterment of the people around her. Even though I believe that the God of the universe is next to me, would I do that? Would I be able to show such bravery and composure in such a situation? Absolutely not. However, this movie shows that God creates everyone differently, so that not everyone has to be Bhutto. Some people need to be the bookeepers and secretaries of such a movement; others ought to be laypeople who discuss political and other issues with their social networks. That thought calmed my soul.

love this

2010-02-03T10:50:00.001-08:00

love this so much. please check it. so amazing.

new album download

2010-02-03T01:42:00.000-08:00

go get it. its free. matthewcavanaughmusic.com. theres also cool art that comes with it. seriously.

now that the ep is just about out there, here's my focus:
1. a music video for candy hearts
2. the full length album
3. my thesis project for grad school
4. composing for some films
5. making a short film about hiking.
6. other school homework stuff.

if i wasnt type a, i could be stressed right now. but yay for type a.

new songs on the space

2010-01-29T02:05:00.001-08:00

im at sundance and only have a free sec here...so....
i uploaded the valentines day ep onto the space today.
check it out (myspace.com/matthewcavanaugh) and lemme know your thoughts. i hope you laugh a bit and dance a bit from listening to it!
and next week these songs will be available for FREE download on matthewcavanaughMUSIC.com, along with other assorted goodies!
oh! and sundance winners so far in my book:

buried
animal kingdom
the dry land
hesher

okbye.

chaos is the ultimate inspiration

2010-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

life feels insane lately. just insane. not bad. things are actually pretty good. just tons to do. i felt handcuffed the last few days, partially because my stomach decided to explode. i wasn't able to work on the valentine ep as much as i wanted or to get as ahead on my hwork as i wanted to.

but yesterday things kind of bubbled over.

and i knocked out a paper 2 days early.

and i mixed a couple of the valentines songs.

and today i began composing my thesis project and knocked out a huge portion of it.

yay for progress.

and now for an audio clip.

one of the most beautiful songs in a long time

2010-01-15T23:54:00.000-08:00

this song just makes me breathless and i feel its worth sharing. i'm usually not a die hard switchfoot fan, but this is worth a listen in my opinion.

valentine ep

2010-01-14T15:51:00.001-08:00

just about done with everything on the valentine ep! couple overdubs left, one more verse of lyrics to redo, and just mixing. woot!

the playlist:
1. brightness!
2. so i decided to sell out and write a valentine's day song
3. candy hearts
4. start (2010 version)
5. the warm shiver of eye contact

i can't wait to finish this and release it!

trips trips trips trips trips!

2010-01-11T19:21:00.001-08:00

i have trips coming up! and i'm excited because i'm usually a homebody.
i'm going to:
sundance in utah at the end of january.
nyc and connecticut most like in february or early march.
d.c. in may.

and i'm having all sorts of people from all over the place come visit LA.

this makes me happy.

almost as happy as the new kittens inspired by kittens girl video. yay.

whoa

2010-01-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

i've been admittedly bored by most of what switchfoot has done the last few years. in my eyes, the beautiful letdown was great, but just about all of their other albums have have had goo-goo-dolls-syndrome; in other words, they'd have a couple exceptional singles and the rest would be fluff.
well, this new album by them "hello hurricane" is blowing my mind. seriously. this thing is really REALLY good. consistent. moving. and the single "mess of me" is potentially my all time fave song by them. give it a listen, even if you haven't liked what they've done much.

new videos

2010-01-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

!

2010-01-05T18:22:00.001-08:00

i just wrote a techno song with flutes as the main instruments.
what is happening to me?

for me this is heaven

2010-01-04T15:55:00.001-08:00

i recorded something just for kicks. would love to hear your thoughts on it!

jimmy eat world cover (for me this is heaven)

your hand in mine

2009-12-30T02:02:00.001-08:00

i really believe that we are a culture that values words too much and genuine touch and affection too little. i witnessed this moment (pic above) with a person who has dimentia on such a high level that she really cannot comprehend words coherently anymore. but she gets touch. she gets it. and someone gave that to her. and she accepted it. and she felt loved.

she.
felt.
loved.

i hope my music does this. the words, eh, theyre ok. i try hard with words. sometimes they're good. sometimes they're not the best. it's not my strongest strength. however, i know i'm a good enough songwriter and musician and it's my hope that the vibe from the music will connect with people on a level that perhaps can't be understood with words.

so i keep trudging on with writing and recording. i'm eager to release this stuff, but the timing will have to be right for that to happen. in the meantime, appreciate the picture above and also caila and my brilliant version of mmmbop, listed below. we practiced that one a lot before recording it and i think that will be evident.

not gonna explain this

2009-12-29T11:24:00.001-08:00

just enjoy it as much as we did.

yay

2009-12-28T14:55:00.001-08:00

just recorded "brightness." also just wrote lyrics for it earlier. ive been trying and trying to get lyrics and they finally hit. so outside of a few punches for pitchiness, i have one song down. yay!

happy happy happy.

AHHH

2009-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

trying to record vocals for "how beautiful the mountains are!"

very frustrated. not productive. not hooky.

GRRRRRRRRRRR.

GRRRRRR.

GR.

websites and runways

2009-12-27T02:08:00.000-08:00

i have a website now. its matthewcavanaughMUSIC.com its just a baby so far, but it'll be world changer soon enough :p

oh yeah. so i just got back to pasadena (from chicago). the plane was about 2+ hours delayed. we boarded the plane and then sat there, not moving, for 2+ hours, because of some luggage misrouting whatever. i tell you, though - that plane was ready to break into pandemonium. flight attendants were conspicuously absent. people left the plane and didn't return. lots of people pacing and yelling. babies crying. so weird old lady kept looking at me and half-smiling. it was uncomfortable, to understate things.

hm. that's all i think i'm going to share right now. bye.

galway alehouse

2009-12-24T23:33:00.000-08:00

here are a few of my friends and i chilling out at our local hangout: the galway alehouse. sorry its dark... the lighting is dark in there and i left my movie spotlight at home.

oh yeah, ps. merry christmas. ok bye.

goofing with my cousin

2009-12-24T00:31:00.000-08:00

myself and my cousin jammed out a bit today at his apt in chicago. here's us covering "fields" by christie front drive.

2009-12-23T16:25:00.001-08:00

updates, vocoders, and airplanes

2009-12-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

update: all of the guitars are done on the demos. hooray! seriously, it feels good. i can pack away my line 6 pod for a bit, now, and i once again have a nice spot on my desk to rest my feet when i lean back in my chair. on to vocals...

i have recently acquired an obsession with vocoders. when i say obsession, i mean OBSESSION! an obsession on the level that urkel had with cheese, chicago has with pizza, and old dads have with wrangler jeans. obsession.

and now im off to fly to chicago for a very brief holiday stay. here's hoping LAX is kind to me tomorrow morning...

blue + green

2009-12-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

just recorded the demo guitar part for this one.
mark my words: this is, by far, the best song i've ever written. and the guitars sound really really good. i'm really excited. the end.

progress progress progress!

2009-12-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

that would be a fun name for an album, huh? :-)

everything has been converted into protools. ive finished all the guitar demo stuff for mountains, glow, brightness and both, heavy and my new life, are totally finished (with vocals). lots and lots of progress. if i have it my way, all the demo guitars will be finished by tomorrow night. and maybe i can even exceed that goal. that would be ridic! (that one's for you, blair campbell!) but when you're in a groove, you're in a groove, right?

anywho, drop me a line and let me know you're alive! that would be rad.
also if you have suggestions on fun youtube videos to make, let me know. i feel like some movie making soon.

im gonna go reward my creative efforts with some pizza hut transfats. rock. peace.

!

2009-12-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

officially done with conversions.
now just working on guitar demo parts before recording vocal demo parts.
already have demo guitars done for "how beautiful the mountains are."

!!!

randomness

2009-12-18T08:26:00.000-08:00

now that all of my guilty pleasures are out into the open, i can once again resume normal blogging. which = randomness.

if you're a booking agent or club owner or coffeeshop owner or bar owner or you know a person that books shows at their venue or living room or arena, let me know. i want shows. lots of em. i'll play wherever. doesn't matter.

i've been working on converting all of the current Reason files into protools files. sounds fun, right? it is. well maybe not, but its good to get the grunt work out of the way. its kind of hard to explain the process... but its the equivalent of taking handwritten notes and typing them into a document file. once they're typewritten, your text can be edited easier and printed out etc... same goes for music files/reason files. i can't really do much with em in their native form, but in protools i can manipulate them and also start recording vox and gitz. oh yeah, ps: reason is the program i use for all of my looping/sampling stuff. guess i coulda explained that earlier.

anywho, but yeah, i've converted these songs:
heavy
my new life
act i holding on act ii letting go
what i wish i could say
blue + green
brightness
you will glow once again!
Why? (goodnight and why cant i be like them?)

and i still have to do these:
how beautiful the mountains are
tomorrow
open your eyelids and see for the first time!

my goal is to finish all of that today and to start recording vocals. a little longer term goal is to have all of the demo's finished by new year, and at least 5 done before i go back chicago on december 22nd. progress WIN!

im off to go meet a friend for coffee. peace.
oh yeah, and here's another video on you tube for you people that watch em. its actually audio, but it still rules.

guilty pleasures #5 - the final one!

2009-12-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

guilty pleasures #5

so the fifth and final guilty pleasure i'd like to highlight this week: "don't wait" by dashboard confessional. some of his songs are really good pop, imho, and some aren't quite the best - but this song just does it for me. and this video is super cool.

so there you have it. there are some of my guilty pleasures. what are yours?

guilty pleasures #4

2009-12-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

guilty pleasure #4:

this one is so guilty, i can't even write much about it. just want the link below and then feel free to make fun of me endlessly.

guilty pleasures #3 (and a bit extra)!

2009-12-15T18:33:00.000-08:00

so before the regularly scheduled broadcast, i would just like to say that i now have a youtube channel! woohoo! you best be favoriting this one because i plan on putting TONS of goodies up there!!! here's the first vid from last night:

...now for the regularly scheduled program...

Guilty Pleasure #3: Colbie Caillait. Make fun of me. I don't care. She's good at making catchy pop and she has some platinum to prove it. Oh yeah - and she surfs. WIN! So enjoy:

guilty pleasures #2

2009-12-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

andrew wk.
this guy is nuts. actually not. his purpose, according to interviews with him, is to make music that makes people feel alive and good. i like that. you can say what you want about his music or weirdness, but i think this is just pure fun. so yeah. guilty pleasure #2:

guilty pleasures #1

2009-12-13T18:49:00.001-08:00

pastors have sermon series.
discovery channel has shark week.
and i am not going to take a short while to showcase some guilty pleasures.

#1
the merge of techno and emo. it sounds like an awful mix. it actually kind of us. yeah. but its great for the treadmill or dancing or something.

enjoy.

a little bit of music biznazz

2009-12-11T01:44:00.000-08:00

i've been lyric'ing a whole lot the last couple days, mainly from my secret coffee spot in studio city. it's a quaint little get up, attracting patrons from every which way of life. i found myself last night saddled between two tables, which formed a very polarized dichotomy: one table had two girls at it, who were doing some sort of bible study, laughing a lot, and just enjoying their time there in a really respectful, kind way. the other table was inhabited by four girls who said some of the worst stuff i've ever heard people say. to give you an idea, at one point during the night, they were talking about a girl's "ugly, cracked, dry skin" and her heavy weight... and how she just made them want to punch her because of those characteristics. my heart was on the ground listening to this. yuck.

however, it was fertile ground for lyrics writing, and lyrics writing i did. and i continue to do. the last couple days, music hasn't been coming quite as it had been, but that's ok. lyrics still need to be perfected.

the cd tracklist has been revised:
1. heavy
2. my new life
3. act 1: holding on, act 2: moving on
4. what i wish i could say
5. blue + green
6. brightness
7. you will glow again!
8. tomorrow
9. open your eyelids and see for the first time!
10. goodnight
11. why can't i be like them?

this isn't the order, per se, but those are the songs making the cut right now. however, i have a need from all 2 of you out in blogland! i need a name for this disc. gimme your suggestions!

one more thing of note: i've begun a youtube channel. in the coming months i will be posting videos for your viewing pleasure! so check it out HERE!

glee

2009-12-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

i, like every other musician alive, am a huge fan of glee. if you don't watch it, you're missing out on one of the fun things of life. glee is awesome and the finale last night was just ridiculously great.

there's an actress on there who gets about 4 lines per show but they're always the funniest lines of the show. she has a youtube channel, where she posts movies that she and her friends make at home. they're way funny and ridic. check out heather morris's youtube channel, as linked below. oh and ps. i'm going to start a youtube channel for music stuff. so stay tuned!

new addition to the family...

2009-12-09T16:55:00.001-08:00

i would like to welcome the newest addition to my family of assorted guitar effects: Full-Drive 2:

I have been using a Turbo Rat for awhile - and still will continue to - but I really needed an in-between pedal sound between "sweet, glassy clean" and "Kill! Kill! Kill!" I hope and pray that this pedal by Fulltone will work out. I think it will.

Onto other news, I'm done with my Fall Quarter at school, which means it's time for music, music, music. And I injured my knee, which means I won't be able to do the same amount of athletic and outdoor stuff I like... so more time for music, music, music! Music is going to become my life for the next unspecified amount of time. I'm ok with that.

Peace.

yay

2009-12-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

hardest test ever = complete.
did i pass it? you ask. well... that's a great question, and i can't honestly be sure of that. let's hope. it was tough.

i have one more paper to write, which shouldn't be too bad, and then i'm home free until january! so...that...being...said... music writing time!!! haha. and my wonderful friends have been throwing tons and tons of music rec's at me. hint hint. i like music rec's.

here's one of em. thanks daniel long!

oh...by the way... i have shows scheduled for the next couple months :-) i guess that's major.... info on the space.

jonsi

2009-12-07T01:35:00.000-08:00

holy crap. um. im trying to think of how else to describe the feeling i get hearing jonsi from sigur ros' new venture. but...my mind is blank. so enjoy the holy crap! i like this song so much, im even going to give the youtube video a green border! wow!

target

2009-12-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

was shopping at target today. bought a jumbo pack of tp. ran into an attractive woman and made eye contact with her. she then looked at the tp i was holding. talk about awkward. i guess it could have fueled an interesting discussion, but i decided to quickly walk away instead. haha.

one more awesome music vid post for the day

2009-12-05T00:27:00.000-08:00

i cannot cannot CANNOT wait for this show in feb! oh myself. wow.

you dirty, dirty projectors

2009-12-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

i've taken a short couple day break from music. its actually hard to, because i feel like locking myself in my roomate and writing and writing and writing. i'm weird like that. i get in a groove and things just flow, and then it ends and writing is hard. im in that groove right now, but i have a HUGE test to study for on Tuesday. So... no music for Matt til Tuesday morning. Seriously. Hold me to it, blog world.

I have a new obsession. Llamas. And it's because of this music video. So good.

oh tobias, you blowhard!

2009-12-03T11:03:00.001-08:00

my friend, heather, inspired these fun links. thanks for the reminder of the best show ever, heather!

another new one

2009-12-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

i've got another song. its called "why can't i be like them?" its easily the most personal song i've ever written and took a matter of a few minutes to write. i think it will connect with some people though. i hope at least.

on to more writing.

beauty

2009-12-02T14:01:00.000-08:00

this is my favorite thing ever

2009-12-01T11:12:00.000-08:00

just like the title. favorite thing ever. if this doesn't make you want to play live, nothing will. watch it right here:

Final Fantasy @ Hillside from NOW Magazine on Vimeo.

writing and writing and writing...

2009-11-30T18:17:00.001-08:00

here's an updated songlist with some title changes and new additions:

heavy
wound
my new life
act i: holding on, act ii: letting go
what i wish i could say
blue + green
the brightness
you will glow once again!
tomorrow
open your eyelids and look for the first time!

i'm also trying to do some things musically that i've never done. for one, i'm spending a TON of time on lyrics. i've never really been a lyrics writer per se, but i guess i'll try this time around :-) i am also trying to spend much more time on the percussive elements of these new songs. one more major change: NO ACOUSTIC GUITARS. that's right. this is a major challenge for me, but i think i can pull it off. stay tuned.

that's right, friends. we're up to 10 songs! my goal is to have 13 written within 2 weeks and then to begin working with everything in protools. if i can be recording guitar and vocals by Christmas, i will be a happy music man.

if you're one of my friends looking for a good music rec, check out the new frightened rabbit single "swim until you can't see land." the b-side, "fun stuff," is also phenomenal, maybe even better than the single. frightened rabbit are way way WAY too good, imho.

and if you want a movie rec, check out "fantastic mr. fox." wes anderson does not disappoint with this one.

bye.

blog change

2009-11-28T02:36:00.000-08:00

i've decided to dedicate this blog more to music stuff, due to a few reasons, the biggest being the increase of searchability and google-friendliness of blogspot. so yeah, more music, less personal. but it'll still be personal :-)

next cd so far

2009-11-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

i've been writing a bunch of music. some good, some not so. but i have some solid songs for the next album. here's the playlist so far:

heavy
wound
my new life
moving on
what i wish i could say
blue + green
the brightness
you will glow once again

update

2009-11-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

dr appointments went well this week. they're figuring some things out, so hopefully healthwise things will be turning around. that'd be really nice.

the end at fuller...

2009-11-05T12:23:00.000-08:00

so i met with my advisor today and we mapped out my remaining time at fuller, with a rough outline. if all goes according to plan - and i dont see why it wont - next fall will be my last quarter here. woohoo!

uninspired

2009-11-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

so i feel really uninspired lately. like, numb. i noticed it last week when i was trying to write lyrics. i felt like i had nothing to say in those lyrics. and its sort of frustrating. most of my lyrics are usually melancholy because thats kind of my general mood. however lately things have been looking more upward and, with the loss of the melancholy, i have been stuck with a major lyrical inspiration void. its weird. so...

if you're selling something, i'm looking to buy. it'd be awesome to believe something intensely right now.

drops like stars

2009-10-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

i recently gave a book report of rob bell's new book, drops like stars. here's my handout that i passed out.

Matt Cavanaugh

Book Review of Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell

Drops Like Stars is a book that deals, primarily, with human nature and how humans naturally construct paradigms. As described in this text, we can become calloused to the awe, beauty, and spiritual power of our world, due to the pressures of our surroundings, but we can also recapitulate said beauty. Bell suggests a six-tiered process for redemption: disruption, honesty, ache, solidarity, elimination, and failure.

The art of disruption

Factors encountered on a daily basis, such as time and location are known as insulators; they build a framework in which a person can view the world, view that event or object or person, or view something about themselves.

“If we went to the ballet and everybody in the audience was wearing snorkels or the musicians were all red-haired banjo players with no teeth or instead of being handed a program, we were handed a squirrel, we would immediately begin asking, “What is this?” But our real question would be, “Where is this? Where do we put this? How do we place it? Because our standard reference points – the usual insulators – wouldn’t be there to guide us” (28).

Bell begs the question, “What if we could break away from our insulators and begin to imagine a new tomorrow, something beyond our expectations or imaginations?”

The art of honesty

A major way in which our insulators are eradicated is through pain. Pain and suffering allow us to be completely humbled and forced to a new degree of honesty.

“The writer Frederick Buechner remembers a time in his life when he was a ‘twenty-seven-year-old bachelor.’ ‘[I was] trying to write a novel, which for one reason or another refused to come to life for me, partly, I suspect, because I was trying too hard and hadn’t learned yet the importance of letting the empty place inside of me open up.’ And so we’re polite and we play by the rules and when asked how we are, we answer, ‘I’m fine, thank you,’ just like we’re supposed to. And then we suffer. There’s a disruption and our boxes get smashed and the insulators are removed and the pretense is shattered and the empty place inside of us opens up” (44).

The art of ache –and The art of solidarity –

Bell furthers this concept into a communal concept. He claims that suffering is a common thread, an omnipresent undercurrent of everything – and it has the power to do wonderful, transformative things.

“Imagine being at a public event like a movie or game or play or religious service and before it starts, someone says to the crowd, ‘Please stand if you’ve been affected by cancer.’ What would you feel? Compassion? Empathy? Solidarity? Connection? Love? A setting of strangers and yet you mention cancer- a specific suffering – and there’s instantly a bond. If someone said, ‘Please stand…if you’ve been to Hawaii…’ or ‘Please stand…if you’ve had to fire your interior decorator…’ or ‘Please stand…if you drive a station wagon,’ it just wouldn’t have the same effect, would it? But suffering, suffering unites” (60-63).

The concept of the cross also is brought into this discussion. Bell postulates that Christians, especially earlier Christians, were proud to be represented by the cross, because it is proof of a God who suffers, just like we do.

The art of elimination –

In order to understand best who we are individually, Bell suggests we endure the suffering in order to expose our inner-selves, void of our layers of conditioned masks. One example he uses involves bars of soap. He gave bars of soap to his sculpture friends, who, in turn, cut away pieces of the soap to reveal sculptures of beauty.

“And yet these sculptures were in those bars the whole time. All these sculptors really did was remove. Sculptors shape and form and rearrange, but at the most basic level, they take away. And there is an extraordinary, beautiful art to knowing what to take away” (88).

Bell also personalizes this analogy:

“[Suffering] compels us to eliminate the unnecessary, the trivial, the superficial. There is greatness in you. Courage. Desire. Integrity. Virtue. Compassion. Dignity. Loyalty. Love. It’s all in there – somewhere. And sometimes it takes suffering to get at it. It’s in there.” (91)

The art of failure

A compelling paradox is presented, just after this part of the book. Bell focuses on the idea of possession: it is possible to possess something but not own it, and, conversely, it is possible to own something but not possess it. Essentially, people can buy into the paradigm of what the world at large deems “necessary for life” but never really be alive. Examples of this are social prominence and material wealth. However, when people are able to understand and appreciate the daily gifts at hand, a fascinating thing happens, where the concept of wealth becomes a relative, subjective entity, versus a quantitative, finite commodity.

The overall purpose of this book is to redefine our perspectives that we see the world through. Rob Bell closes Drops Like Stars with this:

“Several years ago, my three-year-old nephew and I were standing in front of a large window, watching it rain. He started saying, ‘stars, stars, stars.’ I turned to my sister-in-law and asked, ‘why does he keep repeating ‘stars, stars, stars?’ She answered, ‘He thinks that when raindrops hit the ground, for a split second they look like stars.’ I’d never seen it that way. May you see drops like stars” (130-133).

Bell, Rob. Drops Like Stars. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2009.

u2 sucks

2009-10-26T14:01:00.001-07:00

i made a comment on my facebook status of how u2 was good in the 80's but really hasn't done much to innovate music since. you would have thought i called the pope a nazi or something! i am amazed at the voracity in people's responses, yet the lack of substantiation people can provide for rebutting this view. i am not going to pretend to own all of the right answers to everything, but when u2 is long and gone, what songs are we going to remember? "One" or "Lemon?" "With or Without You" or "Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own?" "Pride (In the Name of Love)" or...or.... ???

On top of that, the strange Christian super-protection of u2 is just amazing to me. they're not heathens, they're not even anti-Christian, per se... but when did they become elevated to some musical form of angels or something? im really in the dark here and quite shocked at peoples' reactions to my comment.

recording

2009-10-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

i've been recording tons.

the sound is way different. lots of electronic beats, dance type stuff almost, with only electric guitar (no acoustic). the tentative track list of songs so far:

september

heavy

82 + sunny

moving on

its cool to be back up and running with music again.

freakin awesome dance song

2009-10-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

so embedding has been disabled...but check this out. it makes me move.

FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE - DRUMMING SONG

something funny for once

2009-10-17T01:55:00.000-07:00

i've been so dang serious on here lately. so i decided to post something funny. actually i can't figure out images on blogger so here is a link to my facebook story. i figure any readers on here are my fbook friends. enjoy.

my dirt recycling story

music

2009-10-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

i feel so inspired to write music right now. like...its just welling up inside me. and i think i am becoming a much better musician too. thing is... no time. between working too much, church, taking a full load of classes, working out too much, doctor appointments, etc... it is SO hard to find time to write music. :-( hopefully i can start that up soon.

in fact, lately, i feel like i'm figuring a lot out.

* i feel like i'm relearning what it means to live, to interact with people, and to engage with the society around me.

* i feel more confident in my own skin. i have so many dang body issues and insecurities that i fight through. however, last week i realized that i'm actually becoming really well conditioned and fairly strong. all of a sudden, i have biceps, i can see my abs, veins are making themselves known in my arms, and my quads are much more pronounced. when did this happen? this is really cool. i wouldn't say i'm super confident but i noticed that and, well... all i've ever done is punish myself for my physicality. for once, i feel like i'm not ugly enough to make babies cry.

* i feel like i'm learning how to believe that people around me might actually love me and might desire my trust. not everyone... but there are at least a few. again, this is major for me. i struggle with trusting because so many people i've trusted have hurt me, left me, or used me. but i'm relearning how to trust and to accept the fact that i may actually have some qualities that people appreciate; i might actually have value in other peoples' eyes.

nothing in my life is perfect. i wouldn't even say its close to good necessarily. however, it is improved from where i was yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. somehow things are changing and life feels almost worth living.

real life heroes

2009-10-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

for some reason in this world, there just aren't a lot of known real life heroes who are doing extraordinary things, outside of their daily routines. note: this is parents, police men, etc... aside.

however, one of my real life heroes has once again shown his extraordinary commitment to God and the world is so much better for it.

tim hoekstra was the chaplain at my college for the final 2 years i attended trinity. he provided an amazing example of commitment to the Kingdom of God - in the midst of resistant powers. Tim's heart was/is highly motivated towards racial reconciliation. At a mostly dutch college...well...you can understand why having a black or hispanic speaker would ruffle feathers. actually, no, you probably can't and i can't and tim certainly couldn't... but he made sure that the fallen subset of morale and rules around that campus was challenged constantly. he left that position in 2007.

onto today... tim has been hard at work, as a pastor (unpaid), as a missionary, and as an advocate. today, tim ran 50 miles, at 50 years old, and managed to raise about $50k to help with the water crisis in africa and to work with inner city youth in Chicago. let me repeat that. tim ran 50 miles. he started at 1:30am... he was escorted by police to the beginning of the chicago marathon (after 23.8 miles) and ran the marathon (26.2).

if that isn't a superhero, i don't know what is. tim is a hero to me and has been the best mentor a person could ever ask for.

http://www.firstgiving.com/timhoekstra50miler

randomness

2009-10-09T01:18:00.000-07:00

so here's some random going on's in my life.

1. bought the new relient k cd today. that's right. that relient k. it's actually really beautiful. it's all about how matt thiessen's fiance left him. but its beautiful. check it.

2. i'm working lots, especially coming up... tomorrow through thursday, straight. like 30 hours. couple that with church, 3 classes, doctor appt's and exercise. super busy. after next week i hope things open up a bit.

3. i got my masters project preliminarily approved! this is so exciting! i'm going to work on a video/song about how the whole world is spiritual if we can open our eyes to see it. i'm way stoked.

4. i'm probably going to the sundance movie festival this january!

5. i'm getting better and better at rock climbing! this might sound insignificant to you, the reader, but to me it feels great.

6. i'm still feeling pretty good. i've had a few things bring me down the last couple days but i'm doing my best to stay afloat.

7. seriously, this relient k cd rules.

everything has changed

2009-10-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

im not sure why but things feel different. some type of switch flipped. this is so weird. but things actually feel good. weird.

dear death part II by Emery

2009-09-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

(lyrics below)

Time is running out as you die, die, die in this bed not making a sound.
It has all come crashing down to the heel, and watch you breathe your last.
So helpless to stop you from slipping away so fast.

Oh, God, are you listening now?
As this cancer dances through her, and then takes a bow.
It won't disappoint the crowd, whose word is a curse, as I hear them one-by-one.
Please pull the string, and I come undone.

I know this. I felt the same. I'm sleeping by your side.
You're worth this. I wouldn't trade a day.
So many days I've been blind.
I want to stop and rewind.
Kick off our shoes and dance with the ghost of you.

Who could tease me and leave me begging for the abuse?
You're the only I knew that could tame me, and make me who I am.
But now, there's self-blaming and there's nothing left of all my plans.

I know this. I felt the same. I'm sleeping by your side.
You're worth this. I wouldn't trade a day.
So many days I've been blind.
I want to stop and rewind.
Kick off our shoes and dance..

Let's dance again.
We'll turn up our sleeves.
I know just where to begin.
Dance, let's dance again.
We could find ourselves before this happens...

Words of mine are trite and simple shame.
Still we find a place in everything.
It's just to break the silence that has been crushing me.
Half of me is dead, already gone.
Half is screaming everyone is wrong.
Finally asking now, will you just hear me out?

This was all my fault.
You brought me death, and it's everything I wanted.
It's the wrong side of fear that kept me out.

music

2009-09-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

between working out nonstop, working, and attending miscellaneous social gatherings, i've been writing boatloads of music. i'm taking a very different approach to writing lately: i'm writing in reverse. i'll record a vocal melody or guitar line and reverse it. and then i'll reverse another line on top of it. its weird. real weird. but i think i'm on to something good.

other things i've been doing lately:
1. still trying to find hope and help for the crap i'm going through. it's hard but in order to live any sort of an adjusted, normal life, i need to go through this. if it doesn't kill me, it'll help me.

2. music i've been listening to nonstop: new david crowder, we were promised jetpacks, and the new decemberists.

3. i really like my job. i work with a lot of people who don't believe the same things i believe (religiously) and i love it. a lot of them dont care to ask questions, but, instead, want to tell me their thoughts about things... and i love that they feel comfortable talking to me about that... and i have the opportunity to fight against their negative experiences with christ followers. its a great invitation and i hold it in deep reverence.

4. i'm obsessed with the wire (tv show). its awesome. just finished s1, onto s2.

5. i've noticed i'm dropping a lot of fat lately. it felt like i was stalled for awhile but the last two weeks, i've noticed a big difference and i can see abdominal muscles. that is fun.

6. i've been rock climbing/wall climbing a lot. i suck at it...but im getting a lot better each time i do it. and i love it. love it love it love it. anything that makes me feel as competitive as that is awesome. good feeling.

7. deep question on my mind lately: why do some people (if not all in certain situations) struggle with accepting love from people? i'm struggling with this concept a lot: i desire to be loved by everyone, but i can't always accept it. and that makes me frustrated. and i don't really understand it.